Happy Valentine’s Day! My goodness, I have never spent so much on flowers before. Dynamic pricing indeed.
I’m still in the midst of clearing my Chinese New Year backlog but I thought I’d squeeze in some time to write a post on love and relationships since it’s Valentine’s Day. A lot of people turn to metaphysics, not for metaphysics itself, but rather, to get some clarity on their love lives and marriage, so it’s no surprise that my blog post regarding BaZi compatibility is consistently the top 3 most viewed pages on my website.
As awkward as it is for me to write this post, I’m going to try to give my opinion on relationships and marriage from a metaphysics angle so that it gives everyone something to think about, or at least some assurance when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t want anyone to start thinking I am some relationship guru or see me as a licensed professional who is trained to give relationship advice. Whatever I share here is really just my personal opinion and some of the lessons I’ve learned over the course of my life, and of course, my explanation on how Chinese metaphysics comes into the picture and manifests in real life. Do not take this as advice that you have to follow and just take it as another perspective to consider.
Having a partner is something any human being yearns for, and we all have that innate desire to be loved and wanted. This was something that I learned at a very young age – not because I had an abundance of warmth and love, but rather because I had the absolute lack of it. I’ve blogged about my past enough times now so I won’t repeat it.
What I’m trying to say here is that I can relate to a lot of my clients and readers are going through as I’ve probably gone through what everyone else has. That empty feeling of feeling like no one loves you; that fear of being alone; or that insecurity and self-doubt borne from past experiences and hurt. It’ a horrible feeling I know, and I’m sure everyone has felt like that at some point in their lives.
This post will be a mix of the technicals and the philosophical as always. It would be extremely boring and meaningless if I were to just explain things from a technical perspective, and frankly, that’s something you can find on other websites. Spouse Element, Marriage Sector, Day Branches and what not. I don’t think anyone is interested to know the mechanics behind it, or rather, those aren’t truly the answers people are looking for. The real question is always “when will I find the love of my life and will my marriage be happy”?
Everyone should know by now I like to explain things philosophically and I make it a point to do so because it’s important to understand the deeper meaning of things, especially when it comes to an esoteric field like metaphysics. Understanding the philosophical aspect of metaphysics will definitely help you better apply metaphysics in your life as well. Do follow me closely and bear with my wordy post (as always), and if anything is unclear, please don’t be afraid to reach out and let me know.
As Much As I Hate To Say This: A Bit Of Karma Is Involved Here
I don’t like talking about karma because I never felt I was someone qualified to talk about this subject. That being said, as a practitioner and being brought up a Buddhist, it is something that I believe and I can even say I have to believe in it. I cannot do what I do knowing that Chinese metaphysics is still relevant at this day and age, but yet, dismiss this concept. After all, the Chinese classics themselves mentioned that our charts are a reflection of our karma and what we need to learn in this lifetime. Let’s not forget that Chinese metaphysics is an amalgamation of Buddhist thought and Chinese thought and culture which naturally involves Taoism and Confucianism.
In other words, karma is implied in metaphysics. Karma is nothing but cause-and-effect, and metaphysics is a study of that. Why practitioners can forecast things or project into the future is because of this law everyone knows as karma.
Why I usually hate talking about the subject of karma is because, firstly, as mentioned, there is a sense of inadequacy in speaking about subjects like this. I am a flawed human being and I can be a blunt, crude prick at times. The second reason is this: If this subject is approached the wrong way, it can really send someone into despair. We all have our debts yes, just like how I have debts to my parents, but it doesn’t mean we can’t work towards the kind of life we want. There is a reason why I always talk about transcending charts and avoid talking about karma because I don’t want anyone to think that they have to resign to their fate and take things as it is because that is an absolutely meaningless way of living one’s life. Because if you were to resign to fate, then what is the point of living or trying?
In the book “Liao Fan’s Four Lessons” which is basically a book about transcending charts, Liao Fan faced this struggle of “what is the point of it all” as well until a monk came to enlighten him. If you surrender to fate and you’re on ‘auto-pilot’, whatever is in the charts will definitely come true, so if you happen to have a chart that shows you’ll have a bad marriage, it’s likely you’ll end up in why.
Why I am bringing this up and spoiling the romantic mood of Valentine’s Day is because, from a metaphysics and theoretical standpoint, we have to accept that certain charts will not get to enjoy marital bliss. I’ve always talked about accepting hard truths and how important it is – this is one of them. I’m sure we all agree that marital bliss doesn’t come naturally – it takes a lot of hard work not just in the relationship but within our own lives as well.
You might be asking, “Why does it have to be like this”? Why is love so complicated and hard to manage and why do so many people end up in unhappy relationships and marriages. I do not have an answer per se, but I’ll try to share some of my personal experiences, the things I learned and also provide a metaphysical explanation.
Now, the next few sections will aim to address the question of why does anyone even have to be denied of a happy marriage, so don’t go yet.
Understanding The Concept Of ‘Spouse-Harming’ Charts
You’ll often hear the terms ke fu (克夫) or ke qi (克妻) in Chinese metaphysics. This basically translates to ‘harming’ your spouse. Most people’s understanding of what ke (克) or ‘harming’ your spouse is superficial but it’s not anyone’s fault. The ancient Chinese probably hated calligraphy so much that they could use one sentence to represent a whole paragraph, and similar, use one word to represent one sentence. It’s annoying I know, but for now, please just remember to not take anything at face value. Instead, try and figure out the underlying meaning.
Let’s explore what this concept of ‘ke’ or really means. Just remember – this one word has underlying meanings that is not adequately expressed in modern times.
The layman (and perhaps dumbest way) of understanding this concept is thinking that someone’s mere presence in your life can magically alter your ‘luck’. This is not the way of looking at spousal relationships from a metaphysics angle any many Chinese metaphysics authors have come out to dismiss this. When our ancestors spoke of ke，it’s really just to describe the dynamics of the relationship and a statement of assessment. When you can, please spend some time reading this post where I argue that the concept of ‘luck’ is something that has no place in metaphysics: https://www.masterseanchan.com/blog/theres-no-such-thing-as-luck/.
Coming back to spousal relationships. When you come across a chart that shows that the chart-holder will ‘harm’ his or her partner, what does it really mean? There are two ways of looking at it:
- Perspective 1: The chart-holder possesses certain character traits that make him or her unsuitable for being in a relationship or marriage.
- Perspective 2: The chart-holder does not have the affinity to end up with someone who is doing well in life because the Spouse Element gets harmed.
- Perspective 3: The chart-holder is a walking bag of “bad luck” and anyone who is dating or married to this person will magically become “unlucky”.
If you are someone who firmly believes in Perspective 3 and you’re not open to other opinions – this post isn’t meant for you.
Let me bring in an example so that it is easier for everyone to visualize. Let’s take this person for example:
The above chart belongs to a serial cheater, gambler and divorcee. Don’t ask me how I know all these things. Just know that I will not make up stories so I can have new content in my blog. These are just cases and stories I come across and if you know how to read charts, you will agree with what I have to say below and how it manifests in real life.
A quick breakdown of the chart:
- This chart is a strong Daymaster for sure given all the Earth elements. The excessive Earth, in this case, isn’t a good thing, because the chart is in a state we call 土厚金埋 meaning Metal is still buried deep underground and its value is not being brought out. In other words, it’s an imbalanced chart. If a chart is imbalanced, it’s low quality.
- Naturally, a chart like this needs Wood so that Earth can be removed. Wood represents his wealth (财) and we all know that the wealth element also represents a man’s wife. Yang Wood is preferred here and not Yin Wood for technical reasons I won’t go into for now.
- The Yin Wood 乙木 technically represents his wife, but it is extremely weak and it doesn’t help that there are combinations in the Stems and Branches which make exacerbate this.
- This is no doubt a low-quality Category 4 chart because his natal chart does not have the critical elements needed to bring out the best in Yang Metal. On top of that, this person’s 10-Year Elemental Phases (大运) is not on his side as well. What this means that not only is this person born with character flaws, he’s the incorrigible type that is not growing or developing as a person by virtue of his negative 10-year Elemental Phases (大运)。
This is a very typical ke qi (克妻) chart which ‘harms’ the wife.
I’m sure you’ll agree with me that the harm doesn’t come from this person having some magical aura that sucks away someone’s good ‘luck’. Common sense tells you that a cheater and gambler has character flaws that will only harm his wife and family.
This person harms his wife simply because of the way he is and not because of some magical effect. The concept of ke is that simple. It’s that simple and this is seeing things from Perspective 1. No practitioner should ever tell you that you are the cause of someone else’s downfall just because you’re the spouse. If you’re not a very nice person or partner, you’ll probably contribute to that, but saying you are the root cause of it all is not the right way to put things. I’ll explain.
The Saying That “Who We End Up WIth Is Fated” Is True
This is where Perspective 2 comes in – which is that the chart shows us the kind of person we eventually end up with.
Using the above case, we can also say that the chart-holder above was never meant to find a good partner or wife in the first place. The brief analysis above still applies, and we look at the role of the Spouse Element and whether or not it is being supported or assaulted.
As mentioned, Wood is an extremely important element for the chart above. However, you can clearly tell that the Wood element is close to having absolutely no support and is even being harmed as well, especially when the above chart-holder entered into his Metal 10-Year Phases 乙酉 and 甲申。
Not surprisingly, the ex-wife of the chart-holder does have a very challenging life and of course a far from ideal marriage. She is also believed to be suffering from mental illness.
We can tell a lot about someone’s spouse from a chart and a married couple’s charts will have parallels and paint the same picture. Meaning, if someone’s chart were to say his or her spouse won’t be doing well, you will arrive the same conclusion even when you assess the spouse’s chart independently.
This concept of us ending up with the partner we are ‘fated’ for is the same concept of us being fated to be in a certain kind of house. I wrote about this recently and argued that the quality of our charts determines the quality of the house we eventually end up in feng shui wise. You can read that post here: https://www.masterseanchan.com/blog/your-bazi-ziweidoushu-chart-house-feng-shui-are-interconnected.
So, Which Perspective Do We Use When We Look At A Chart?
Both perspective 1 and perspective 2 are valid and they exist hand in hand. What does it mean? Let me explain it as simply as I can.
If your chart says that you are someone who will harm the spouse, you’ll likely have some character flaw that makes you a bad partner. Let’s admit it, people who make bad partners are everywhere and a failing marriage is an eventuality.
Now, if this is so, would you not agree that the only people you are going to attract are people who are willing to subject themselves to such treatment, and naturally, their charts are going to be on the negative side as well?
I hope everyone is still following and that I’m making sense. The next section will make things clearer.
We Will Eventually End Up With Someone With The Same Chart Quality
Let’s go back to the example again. The male chart-holder is a cheater and a gambler. Do you think a female with a good BaZi or Zi Wei Dou Shu chart will end up with someone like that? Absolutely not.
Everyone has to understand this: People with very high-quality charts are excellent judges of character and they make excellent decisions for themselves to get where they are, and this includes their choice of partners. If you were to ask me whether someone with a good chart will end up with someone with a bad chart – my answer definitely “no” and I have done enough compatibility analyses between couples to prove it. In fact, you don’t even need to understand Chinese metaphysics to know that this is the case. It’s something anyone with common sense can observe in reality. We have all rejected someone at one point in our lives because we felt that it is not a good match. This is the exact feeling the people with good charts will have when someone with a lower-quality chart is interested. There is simply no way someone with a good chart will end up making a decision to be with someone who chooses to squander his or her life away.
Even if couples of different chart qualities do end up getting married, there will come a point where both separate when their paths and trajectories start to diverge and I have seen this countless times. It was never a relationship that is meant to last. This can happen before an official marriage happens or after.
How well you handle your life and how you are like as a person does play a huge role in what kind of partner you end up with. If you are an irresponsible cheater or gambler, no one in the right mind would want to devote his or her life to you. Note that I am using a very extreme example here which targets issues like character flaws or unhealthy views of relationships. I do acknowledge that there are cases whereby people consciously choose to be with someone who is having a tough time out of genuine love for that person, so please don’t mistake my intent. I’m not saying that we do not love or show compassion to people who are having a tough time with their lives.
Before I go to the next section, I wish to say this: I just want to reiterate again that my posts and whatever I write here are not to invalidate anyone’s feelings or the suffering they are going through. I know what it’s like to be lonely and unloved and there’s nothing worse than having that empty feeling.
One of the biggest and most important lessons I’ve learned in my life is that it’s OK to allow yourself to feel that pain and allow yourself to grief out of the love you have for yourself, but do not forget to take small steps to grow so that you can get that life you want. I’ve struggled with vulnerability for the longest time in my life especially when I’m a 6 foot 1 male, so there has always been this unhealthy belief that I need to be tough and emotionless, but trust me when I say it’s important for you to grief and love yourself a little. Toxic masculinity is not healthy and unfortunately, many men are brought up to believe that certain ways of being are considered desirable when it is not.
I don’t want people to feel that just because life isn’t going your way or you aren’t doing well, you don’t deserve to be loved. Trust me, I know it might feel like that at times, and I know there are many people out there who feel that way, but please don’t.
There Is A Reason Why The Wealth Element Also Represents A Man’s Wife
If you have some basic background in BaZi, you’ll know that the Wealth Element (财) also represents a man’s wife. The role of the wealth element not only tells us a man’s capabilities when it comes to career and acquiring wealth, but it also tells us about what kind of partner he will eventually end up with.
You might be thinking, does that mean only rich men will have good wives? That is NOT the point and a severe misunderstanding of Chinese metaphysics.
What this really means is that an industrious, responsible man who is willing to work hard will definitely do well in his life, and when he does, it’s only natural for him to attract someone really positive. I’m sure everyone has seen cases where someone is extremely wealthy but still end up with a horrible marriage, so when you assess someone’s marriage by analyzing the Spouse Element, it’s not about the amount of wealth you amassed in your bank account or how much you inherited from your rich parents. What you are assessing is really the person’s character.
The Wealth element and the role it plays in our charts is a measure of our capabilities and resourcefulness – it is not a measure of money randomly appearing out of nowhere. Similarly, you can also say that the presence of the right partner or wife has a huge impact on a man’s life. Yes, it’s a chicken-and-egg issue, but what I’m trying to say here is that there is an interconnection between all these different things that are going on in our lives. Only thing I can say is that you can’t control who falls in love with you, but you can definitely control what kind of person you wish to be.
Metaphysics was built on cause-and-effect and whatever I said above is a layman explanation of it. Even if we were to use Zi Wei Dou Shu, there is a reason why one’s 事业宫 (Career Sector) is opposite of one’s 夫妻宫 (Marriage Sector), and in Zi Wei Dou Shu we know that opposite sectors have a direct impact on each other. If your career takes a hit or if you’re irresponsible with your career, your marriage is bound to take a hit and vice versa.
If you’re lucky enough to have both your career and marriage sorted out well, you’ll eventually find yourself in an amazing virtuous feedback loop that’s going to push you a lot further and higher.
Remember, nothing is separate and independent of each other. Everything is interlinked.
Using Chinese Metaphysics To Assess Quality Of One’s Marriage
The above case I used is an extreme example of a marriage failing due to character flaws. Of course, not every marriage ends up like that.
When it comes to assessing the quality of one’s marriage, Zi Wei Dou Shu does a better job at it because we identify where the root cause is from. Zi Wei Dou Shu is a more advanced method after all. Some couples may not have a happy marriage simply because they are too different, and some may have a rocky marriage because of financial issues or having different opinions on how to raise their children. These, of course, aren’t a serious as the case study above where one ends up marrying a demon (yes, I said demon) for a spouse, but they are still very real issues that bother couples, and if left unresolved, may lead to a breakdown of the marriage.
I won’t talk too much much about this for now. I’ll have a separate entry in future showcasing how this is done using Zi Wei Dou Shu in future.
A Quick, Cheeky Jab At The ‘Practitioners’ Who Sell Items Claiming It Can Attract Love
I’m just going to take this opportunity to take a jab at the ‘practitioners’ selling items claiming they can attract love and give you marital bliss. I am sure a crystal or a figurine of Mandarin ducks can like turn a cheater and gambler into a loving husband and saint, or make someone fall in love with an irresponsible person. Sarcasm intended. Don’t blame me for being cheeky guys – I have been doing this jabbing for quite some time now if you haven’t already noticed.
Please, everyone, don’t be that Category 4 imbecile who thinks life can be manipulated with colours and items. People who sell items and what not while continuing to call themselves practitioners should be ashamed of themselves.
Sharing Some Of My Own Thoughts And Learnings
There are so many things I wish to share with everyone and I’m not sure where to even start – but I’ll try.
The whole idea of spouses who bring “good luck” basically describes the influence our spouses have on us. That’s all. But I guess the question on everyone’s minds is how exactly can we find ourselves a partner like that?
I always tell my clients that if you want to have a happy marriage and find a good partner, you really, really just have to focus on yourself. It’s a very broad and general way of putting things, and you might even ask “what does focus on yourself even mean”? I’m not a relationship guru or a life coach, so I won’t attempt to answer that here. What I want everyone to know is that metaphysics supports this notion of focusing on yourself and always growing, because if you don’t, a relationship or marriage is going to end up being about two people coming together just to suffer.
There are a lot of resources out there that can help you. Everything that you’ve read on websites specializing in self-help or relationship advice is true, it’s just that instead of understanding them intellectually while you read those articles, you have to fundamentally be that person these articles are talking about and make it the core of your being and it is no easy feat.
I don’t want to bore everyone about my life story or make this blog post about myself, but please trust me when they say things like you have to learn to love being on your own first, or that we need to let go of the past fears and insecurities we brought with us from our childhood or past relationships. This is not something you can achieve or overcome overnight, so remember to be patient and kind to yourself. If you have a partner who shows such issues or insecurities, do consider getting help from professionals and the right people. The only thing I can say is that, if given a choice, no one wants to live with these insecurities and fears, and it doesn’t help when there’s no one there to teach us how to deal with them.
Whatever it is, continue to read as much as you can, do some introspection, learn and of course grow. The resources and help you need is all out there.
A Message To My Wife
I’m one of the lucky ones who ended up with a partner and marriage that I am extremely grateful for. Given the way I grew up, I never expected someone to love me the way my wife does and I never thought I’d ever get married. I can’t tell you how lucky I am to be married to my wife. Our values align and we respect each other, and we discuss important life decisions together and come to a compromise if needed. We respect each other’s differences and we don’t get into senseless, childish arguments and thank Heavens for that.
Every date we have is a happy memory filled with laughter from our tireless teasing of each other – something she picked up from me.
When we first started dating and seeing each other, I told her about my past and how I grew up and that she may have to deal with some of the demons that I was still struggling with – which she definitely dealt with at her own expense out of her love for me. She cried for me when she heard about how I grew up, and that was one of the moments where I realized she’s the one I wanted to marry.
She’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. And oh my goodness… She is beautiful.
Do I feel like she brought me “good luck”? Of course, I do.
I could have never gotten so far without my wife. I don’t know where to begin to describe the kind of influence she has on me. She inspires me to be better, she brings out the best in me and she gives meaning to everything that I do. She’s also the one who makes me less angsty and reminds me to conduct this field of mine with compassion and empathy for others (with the exception of toxic people – you will still get hell from me). Without her, I will never be successful.
Before I end off, I don’t want anyone to think that I wrote all this just to brag about how good my marriage or life is right now. Yes, I am grateful I’m in a much better place in life right now, but that’s not the point of this post.
I really want people to know the philosophy behind metaphysics so that it can be viewed, and also used the right way. I think everyone knows by now how much I detest the nonsense that’s going on out there.
I don’t think I wrote this post very well as I’m honestly quite stretched at the moment, but I still do hope everyone got something out of it and understand the important points I am trying to bring across. There’s really so much more I wish I could express here although I struggle to find an adequate way to do it.
If you had a crappy childhood or you’ve had bad relationships, don’t let that get to you. If you have not found the love of your life yet, don’t give up and keep on growing and learning – he or she will come eventually.
Do not ever feel like you do not deserve to be loved and remember to love yourself first. When you love yourself and are kind to yourself, there is no doubt you will continue to grow and everything will fall into place after that – that includes falling in love.
Bad pun to end off an awkward post (gosh I hate sounding so preachy).
I find your article is really interesting and so much truths brought me to tears. There is so much common sense in it and I like how you link your reading to true philosophies in life. I have found my husband cheating for the 2nd time and i’m ready to call it quits but i have a young daughter to consider. Can i know if my husband will cheat again, i found a RW and HO in his marriage spouse which is harming, the general understanding is this chart holder will always go for the ‘easy’ stuffs instead of working hard at his marriage. His DOB is 17th March 1974. I am going through a Yin Wood (HO) LP and he is going through a Yang Water (DO) LP. I need some guidance on his bazi and if this is something he cannot ‘help’ due to his character flaw, I am not sure if i am in the position to help him if he cannot help himself. Your sentence – ‘there will come a point where both separate when their paths and trajectories start to diverge and I have seen this countless times’ – it really strike a chord in my current situation. Will be very grateful if you can shed some light into this.
I have just found out that I have po jun star in my Marriage Palace. As for my husband, his indicates a divorce in his marriage palace.
How should we work out this issue?? We married at the age to 28 for me and 31 for him and have two sons.
Your blog is an interesting read. You wrote that metaphysics is still relevant in this time and age. Would like to know how do natal charts or Zi Wei Dou su explain the modern phenomenon of increasing numbers of single females and also males? Society points finger at education being accessible to women, misaligned relationship expectations of the modern female and male, the focus on careers, etc. But do metaphysics see it differently? Can it be possible that generations of modern females and males coincidentally have challenging natal charts with difficult spousal or marriage elements? Hence they remain single?
Good post, always wondered if a “good for you” or “bad for you” existed
I want to marry my girlfriend but I am afraid the charts won’t match up. Any ideas to give better chance?
March 15 1987 8:57am California, USA
March 19 1997 3:38am California, USA
Not all relationships are meant to work, unfortunately. Hard truths but we’re going to have to accept them.
Feel free to engage me for a reading. =)
Does perspective 1 apply when spouse element is missing from natal chart? When element is missing, can the element that births spouse element be used as proxy ? Eg for a lady it’s the DW. Thank you.
Yes, it still does. At the end of the day, it will boil down to the overall quality of the chart.
Great post and a timely one!
One question here if you may.
1. “Meaning, if someone’s chart were to say his or her spouse won’t be doing well, you will arrive the same conclusion even when you assess the spouse’s chart independently.”
2. “Remember, nothing is separate and independent of each other. Everything is interlinked.”
Does this applies to the charts between siblings and parents as well?
Yes, it applies. The charts won’t contradict each other in any way.
Hi, Sean! I do agree with you that wife has a huge impact to her husband, as an old saying stated that behind every man’s success, there is an excellent wife’s support.
Wish you have a happy marriage!
Thank you! =)
Hi Sean, your article touches me that I can’t help but to cry … first and foremost, before I say more … I would like to sincerely congratulate you & your wife a Great Blissful & Blessed Marriage in this lifetime. I would like to say this to both of you & your wife : Not everyone has the blessed chart or opportunity or divine intervention to meet their compatible half. Thus do Love, Care & Treasure each other!
“Having a partner is something any human being yearns for, and we all have that innate desire to be loved and wanted.” – Yes I absolutely agreed with you with what you said. Even for the most independent-minded or people who have strong characters, they generally do secretly yearn for a compatible partner. I fully resonate why you said this “I’m one of the lucky ones who ended up with a partner and marriage that I am extremely grateful for.” I know you are not bragging and I know how it feels to wait for someone eternally that I resonate what you said and why you would be so grateful for. I myself am still looking & waiting for my beloved compatible half for the past 21 years … it is really heart-rending and testing years for me in search for this unknown beloved one … sometimes I do wonder is it because of karmic debts due to my past lives … and yes I will not give up even though I am clueless on how/what/when I would find the beloved one. In the meanwhile, I would heed your advice to work on self-love.
Last but not least, your article inspires me to self-help myself as in loving myself more. I am genuinely happy for both of you and your wife even though I do not know both of you personally. Both of you are meant to be together in this lifetime, treasuring this affinity, loving, caring and inspiring one another! Keep it up!
Aiyo… First time I’ve heard someone crying because of my blog post. =)
I’m glad you found the post helpful one way or another. Do take care yea and have faith!