Valentine’s Day: Love & Marriage – A BaZi (八字) Perspective


Posted On Last updated Apr 28, 2020 | Published on Feb 14, 2017

Here we go again. The time of the year where we see the wonders of Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand take effect within weeks. Speaking of which, did you know Adam Smith is a moral and political philosopher? He is more commonly known as an economist for his magnum opus, The Wealth of Nations, though. I’ve always enjoyed reading up on philosophy, and while it helps me escape the clutches of the paradoxes of the perception of ‘value’ and avoid buying crazy expensive roses during Valentine’s Day, I’m also at risk of being labeled an unromantic boyfriend.

Anyway! Before I digress too much, let’s move on to the topic of the day before I accidentally turn a professional website into a personal blog of ramblings. I don’t want to end up being too long-winded for this entry, so I’m going to assume that everyone holds the same views I have on marriage and relationships. It’s basically whatever you have read on those websites that offer you relationship advice. 90% of my clients, be it male or female, will always ask about love and marriage, so what better occasion to talk about it than now? Some of you may have read this particular entry some time ago about choosing your partner so I guess this entry will be a Part 2 to it:

I don’t think there’s anyone out there who doesn’t want a blissful, happy marriage, but as simple as it sounds it’s out of the grasp of so many people. I’m one of the fortunate ones where I have a partner who is extremely supportive, understanding and giving. She brings out the best in me and I can’t wait to marry her. A lot of my clients ask me “what does it take to have a blissful and happy marriage”?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer, or rather the answers I have are all textbook answers, and I really don’t have much to add. I guess it’s putting all these textbook answers into action and internal changes that is the hard part. Perhaps I could share something personal, as always. I think most of you who have gone through my previous entries know that I grew up in a pretty challenging environment with abusive parents, so I absolutely know how devastating a bad marriage can be for a family unit. Everyone suffers. My own relationships suffered when I was growing up because of the issues that I carried with me as a result of growing up in that kind of environment. It was only till a few years ago that I realized I carried some serious baggage and I had a lot of repressed insecurities and anger which took a toll on my relationships. To be in a fulfilling relationship requires a lot of vulnerability, which I had troubles with because I had to harden up as a response to the environment I grew up in, and I wasn’t aware of how much this sabotaged my relationships. As a practitioner myself, I always knew that, theoretically, I am supposed to have a beautiful and blissful marriage, and in a lot of ways this has one of been the few things I’ve been looking forward to after having a tough start to life. It actually came to a point where I gave up because it didn’t seem like this person would appear anytime soon, but the funny thing is that it was at the moment I told myself I’d give up that my partner appeared. My relationship with her would have never worked out if I still had the baggage with me. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, if you wait a blissful and happy marriage, you have to prepare for it.

I always tell my clients that if they want a good partner, just focus on themselves and be the kind of person your ideal partner would be attracted to. As much as I wished someone would come and heal me and help me with my issues back then, ultimately I still had to rely on myself, not because the world is cruel or anything, but in my opinion, you need to be able to handle your own life and issues well before someone else can come into the picture and bring both of you to greater heights. No one wants to be in a relationship when both parties are spiraling downwards. When do you meet someone who is willing to help you heal in the healing process, be sure to cherish this person because it’s not going to be easy on them.

I still struggle with my own issues at times and I’m very lucky to have a partner who is willing to go the extra mile and support me, even at her own expense. I know the world may seem unkind and cruel at times, but one of the most important things I learned along the way was to be kind to myself. It’s something I never allowed myself to do since young. I always tried to be tough and fall into the stereotypical profile of how a successful, attractive man should be. Eventually, I allowed myself to grief and cry a bit more. I’m not saying you should turn yourself into a bag of uncontrolled emotions, but yea, be kind to yourself. It’s OK to feel lonely or unloved – just cry it out and feel better. Life’s been harsh on you and no one should deny your right to feel a certain way. Don’t forget to stay optimistic and hopeful though! I’m sharing all this because I hope you all are reading it and finding answers to your questions which you hope to get from the Q&A.

Let’s get to the technical part of the entry. 八字 and 紫微斗数 can definitely give insight to one’s marriage. My earliest blog post which I mentioned above gives an idea of how that is interpreted in a 八字 chart, so do give it a read if you’re interested in knowing how one assesses marriage using 八字。If you’re using 紫微斗数, we usually look at the 命宫,夫妻宫,福德宫 and 财帛宫 to give a holistic assessment. Most people, including some practitioners out there, only look at the 夫妻宫 when they assess marriage, which is a huge mistake. You will see a lot of people on the forums doing pro bono readings  using this kind of superficial assessment. Interpreting a 紫微斗数 chart is not as simple as looking at which stars end up in which sector/宫位, and most people don’t apply what we call 宫位转换 or 宫干四化飞星。Someone can have a very capable husband but an awful marriage, whereas someone else can have an awesome marriage where the husband is not as capable.

Both cases have it’s pros and cons and both cases will have their own issues to deal with that may or may not lead to the collapse the relationship. There will also be cases where the marriage is supposed to be blissful and the husband is a capable, loving man, but the chart-holder sabotages it due to their character flaws – usually this is the case where the 命宫 has a huge issue. For example, people who have a 巨门化忌 in a 陷 position will have a broken marriage no matter how good the other 宫位s are. I always say that our charts are a description of how our lives will unfold according to nature’s laws. Put it another way, from a more Buddhist angle, it’s also a description of what our karmic debts are and what are the life lessons you need to learn, and for a lot of people this usually comes in the realm of relationships. Do not fret if a practitioner identifies that you may have bumps in your relationship and marriage, instead, find out why you might have these bumps and try to avoid it.

Everyone carries their issues and baggage into a relationship, and it takes a lot of courage for one to admit one’s issues and vulnerabilities, but it is usually those who do that get to enjoy what an intimate relationship with someone has to offer. I don’t know if you’ll agree with me, but you will realize that a lot of people in really enviable and sweet relationships are those who are comfortable with themselves and they are authentic and not afraid of being vulnerable.

Here’s wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day!

– Sean

Related Post: On Love, Marriage and Spouses Who Bring “Good Luck” – A BaZi & Zi Wei Dou Shu Perspective

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Written by Sean Chan

Sean Chan is Asia's leading Chinese metaphysics consultant specializing in BaZi, Zi Wei Dou Shu, Qi Men Dun Jia, and Feng Shui. A thought leader in the field, Sean's been featured on Channel NewsAsia, Rice Media, 联合早报, The New York Times Style Magazine and other local media. He blogs regularly about various topics surrounding Chinese metaphysics and aims to educate the public about the field.

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