Valentine’s Day: Love & Marriage – A BaZi (八字) Perspective

February 14, 2017

Here we go again. The time of the year when we see the wonders of Adam Smith’s Invisible Hand take effect within weeks. Speaking of which, did you know Adam Smith is a moral and political philosopher? However, he is more commonly known as an economist for his magnum opus, The Wealth of Nations. I’ve always enjoyed reading up on philosophy. While it helps me escape the clutches of the paradoxes of the perception of ‘value’ and avoid buying crazy expensive roses during Valentine’s Day, I’m also at risk of being labelled an unromantic boyfriend.

Anyway! Before I digress too much, let’s move on to the topic of the day before I accidentally turn a professional website into a personal blog of ramblings. I don’t want to end up being too long-winded for this entry, so I will assume that everyone holds the same views I have on marriage and relationships. It’s basically whatever you have read on those websites that offer you relationship advice. 90% of my clients, be they male or female, will always ask about love and marriage, so what better occasion to talk about it than now? Some of you may have read this particular entry some time ago about choosing your partner, so I guess this entry will be a Part 2 to it:

I don’t think anyone out there doesn’t want a blissful, happy marriage, but as simple as it sounds, it’s out of the grasp of so many people. I’m one of the fortunate ones with a supportive, understanding and giving partner. She brings out the best in me, and I can’t wait to marry her. Many clients ask me, “What does it take to have a blissful and happy marriage”?

Honestly, I don’t have an answer, or rather the answers I have are all textbook answers, and I don’t have much to add. I guess it’s putting all these textbook answers into action and internal changes that is the hard part. Perhaps I could share something personal, as always. Most of you who have gone through my previous entries know that I grew up in a challenging environment with abusive parents, so I know how devastating a bad marriage can be for a family unit. Everyone suffers.

My relationships suffered when I was growing up because of the issues that I carried with me as a result of growing up in that environment. It was only a few years ago that I realized I carried some serious baggage, and I had a lot of repressed insecurities and anger, which took a toll on my relationships. To be in a fulfilling relationship requires a lot of vulnerability, which I had trouble with because I had to harden up as a response to the environment I grew up in. I wasn’t aware of how much this sabotaged my relationships. As a practitioner, I knew my chart had always pointed out that I’ll have a beautiful and blissful marriage.

In many ways, this has been one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to after a tough start in life. It came to a point where I gave up because it didn’t seem like this person would appear anytime soon, but the funny thing is that when I told myself I’d give up, my partner appeared. My relationship with her would have never worked out if I still had the baggage with me. I guess I’m trying to say that if you wait for a blissful and happy marriage, you have to prepare for it.

I always tell my clients that if they want a good partner, they focus on themselves and be the kind of person their ideal partner would be attracted to. As much as I wished someone would come and heal me and help me with my issues back then, ultimately I still had to rely on myself, not because the world is cruel or anything. Still, I believe you need to handle your own life and issues well before someone else can come into the picture and bring both of you to greater heights. No one wants to be in a relationship when both parties spiral downward. When you meet someone willing to help you heal in the healing process, be sure to cherish this person because it won’t be easy on them.

I still struggle with my issues sometimes, and I’m fortunate to have a partner willing to go the extra mile and support me, even at her own expense. I know the world may seem unkind and cruel sometimes, but one of the most important things I learned was to be kind to myself. It’s something I have never allowed myself to do since young. I always tried to be tough and fall into the stereotypical profile of how a successful, attractive man should be. Eventually, I allowed myself to grieve and cry a bit more. I’m not saying you should turn yourself into a bag of uncontrolled emotions, but yea, be kind to yourself.

It’s OK to feel lonely or unloved – just cry it out and feel better. Life’s been harsh on you, and no one should deny your right to feel a certain way. Don’t forget to stay optimistic, though! I’m sharing all this because I hope you all are reading it and finding answers to your questions which you hope to get from the Q&A.

Let’s get to the technical part of the entry. 八字 and 紫微斗数 can give insight into one’s marriage. My earliest blog post, which I mentioned above, gives an idea of how that is interpreted in a 八字 chart, so do give it a read if you’re interested in knowing how one assesses marriage using 八字。 If you’re using 紫微斗数, we usually look at the 命宫,夫妻宫,福德宫 and 财帛宫 to give a holistic assessment. Most people, including some practitioners, only look at the 夫妻宫 when assessing marriage, which is a huge mistake. Many people on the forums do pro bono readings using this kind of superficial assessment. Interpreting a 紫微斗数 chart is not as simple as looking at which stars end up in which sector/宫位 and most people don’t apply what we call 宫位转换 or 宫干四化飞星。 Someone can have a competent husband but an awful marriage, whereas someone else can have a fantastic marriage where the husband is not as capable.

Both cases have pros and cons, and both cases will have issues to deal with that may or may not lead to the relationship’s collapse. There will also be cases where the marriage is supposed to be blissful, and the husband is a capable, loving man. Still, the chart-holder sabotages it due to their character flaws – usually, this is where the 命宫 has a huge issue. For example, people who have a 巨门化忌 in a 陷 position will have a broken marriage no matter how good the other 宫位s are. I always say that our charts describe how our lives will unfold according to nature’s laws. Put it another way, from a more Buddhist angle. It’s also a description of what our karmic debts are and the life lessons you need to learn, and for a lot of people, this usually comes in the realm of relationships. Do not fret if a practitioner identifies that you may have bumps in your relationship and marriage. Instead, find out why you might have these bumps and try to avoid them.

Everyone carries their issues and baggage into a relationship, and it takes a lot of courage to admit one’s issues and vulnerabilities. Still, those who do usually get to enjoy what an intimate relationship with someone has to offer. I don’t know if you’ll agree with me, but you will realize that many people in really enviable and sweet relationships are comfortable with themselves. They are authentic and not afraid of being vulnerable.

Here’s wishing everyone a happy Valentine’s Day!

– Sean

Related Post: On Love, Marriage and Spouses Who Bring “Good Luck” – A BaZi & Zi Wei Dou Shu Perspective

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