Don’t Be Your Child’s Biggest Burden: Toxic Parents From A Metaphysics Perspective

Posted On Last updated May 24, 2020 | Published on Apr 16, 2020

I hope everyone’s coping well with the current COVID-19 situation and everyone has not gone insane from staying at home yet. I’m going to warn everyone here first and say that this is an emotionally charged post, so turn away if you’re thinking “There goes one of Sean’s emotionally charged posts scolding people again.” For followers of my blog, you’ll know this is nothing new. I apologize for such posts once in a while but I need to let this out and say that this field I’m in really attracts a lot of people who can’t think for themselves.

If you’re a parent in Singapore, you would know that the government has initiated home-based learning now and teachers are conducting their lessons online now. What inspired this post is the things I’ve been hearing from my friends are in the education sector and also from what I’m experiencing myself from some parents who approach me.

As you may or may not know, I have this rule that I did not mention on my website but I’ll make it clear now. If a parent is looking to get their child’s chart read, I will insist that they get their own chart read too because I want to know what kind of parent I am dealing with here and I want the parent to know what the chart says about them too.

You often hear of the term 克夫 and 克妻 which means to ‘harm’ the husband or wife. They are used when referring to someone who has a chart that will drag the spouse’s life down one way or another. One term which is less heard of is 克子 where 子 refers to your child. “子” usually means son but it can refer to the daughter too. You will see this term in the Chinese classics on BaZi (八字) for sure.

I think everyone knows by now that I don’t mince my words and I don’t try to paint an idealistic picture of the world. There is a time to be uplifting, and there is a time to call people out on their nonsense because trying to be uplifting is just counter-productive for people who need others to do the thinking and self-reflection for them.

Bad people exist. Stupid people also exist. As unpopular as it sounds, you know it’s true. Just go to any news platform and don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong. Bad parents, of course, also exist – they’re just a subset of people with low-quality charts. For those who read enough to know about my background, I’m sure you’ll agree if anyone knows about bad parents the best, it’ll be me and I dare say I have the moral authority to say I know what bad parents are like. I’m not a politician (I’ll definitely make a horrible one) and I don’t want to be that politically correct practitioner just because I want more business or get more clients. Like I always say, I’m not the practitioner for everyone. I’m trying to do the right thing here by first being good at what I do, and executing it the correct way albeit sometimes with impatience and a bad temper, so if you want you wish to pay someone just to hear good things or get a generic BaZi report who is sold to everyone else, there are plenty of other options out there.

Coming back to the main topic: I’ve been hearing horror stories from my friends in the educational field. I think this stay-home period is driving a lot of people crazy and it’s revealing a lot of toxic dynamics inside homes not just between married couples but also between parents and their children. It’s ridiculous how some parents are these days. I’ll likely have to use my own life as an example again (which I can’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes) to get a few messages across, so please bear with me.

If There’s Anyone Who Disappoints Me More – It’s Parents Who Aren’t Ready To Be Parents

This gets a little personal for me.

My younger clients will know that I have a soft spot for them for the very fact that they are younger. I can relate to the pains they are going through and how it feels when no one is there to lend a helping hand or offer some encouraging words. I see myself in some of them.

I have to admit I’m not as patient when it comes to clients who are older than me. Perhaps to give a range, those 3 years older and above. Not a lot of leeway I know because I used my sister as a benchmark. I’m definitely biased due to the environment I grew up in and I’m fully cognizant of that because part of me feels like older people have more experience and should know better – but that’s just an assumption of course. It appears that many middle-aged people are still stuck in puberty.

Everyone knows by now my patient with toxic people is extremely thing and my regularly readers would know that they’re categorized into a group of BaZi charts referred to as Category 4 people where the natal charts, as well as elemental phases, are very poor. They plagued me for the 30 years of my life and I have absolutely no patience with them. It’s bad enough if someone is toxic, it’s worse if you are toxic and you’re someone else’s spouse. The epitome of toxicity is reserved for people who are parents but aren’t qualified to be one.

If you need some examples of what an unqualified parent is, here are a few:

  • Your marriage is toxic and on the rocks, and you naively think that having a child will change things. There’s no such thing. If anything, children are a catalyst to make a strong marriage stronger, and a toxic marriage even worse.
  • Needless to say, people who are emotionally and physically abusive.
  • Narcissists regardless of whether clinically diagnosed or not.
  • Financially irresponsible and it can be as simple as not covering yourself with adequate insurance and wiping our your family’s assets because you think you have 金刚不败之身 (an impenetrable, ailment free body forever).

Please don’t give me the nonsense and say that “But some parents are trying their best”. Trust me, they are not and even if they are, saying you’re “trying your best” is easy – anyone can say that but nothing is actually being done. Your children don’t care if you’re trying your best and that is that last thing any failed parent should say to them. Just be a good parent and, hopefully, being a good parent comes naturally to you. To give you some perspective on what children actually go through, please watch this: Inside The Child Protective Service by Channel NewsAsia. I watched this when it aired on Channel NewsAsia and part of me can’t help but feel angry.

Of course, not every case is that extreme. What’s sad is that there are a lot of cases whereby the child has already endured such a childhood and is probably in their teens or adolescence but are still victims of their parent’s abuse. They are the ones who are most likely to be left out and suffering in silence.

Your Chart Will Show What Kind Of Child You’ll Have

I want to go more into this because I know some people are confused and tend to jump to conclusions.

It doesn’t mean that you’ll have a bad child if your life has been tough or your chart-quality is average. It gets a bit technical here. Let’s take Zi Wei Dou Shu (紫微斗数) for example:

Out of the 12 sectors in the chart, there is a sector representing children we call 子女宫 (duh). This sector gives the biggest hints and indication of how your children will be like and an overview of their capabilities. It won’t be able to give exact details because it’s not their chart and its derived from the parent’s chart instead. You can have a horrible 命宫 (Life Sector) or 官禄宫 (Career) but your 子女宫 might be excellent, which means that despite not being deemed a chart of a successful person, your children will, thankfully, be able to do better than you. BaZi (八字) can be used to assess children to of course and there’ll be an element or ‘god’ representing them in the chart.

The same logic applies to those who are extremely successful but somehow, the children don’t follow in their footsteps. I’m sure everyone knows what the term 败家子 means – it’s basically the prodigal child. It doesn’t mean that children born into good families will turn out well either and I don’t think I need to elaborate much on this because we’ve all met someone like this before. If anyone’s been following news in the tech world, Honestbee’s ex-CEO would be a good example of that. Young, good background, and great education – but he decided to cheat.

To put it simply, in very rare cases, people with very challenging or poor charts will somehow still end up still having successful children. On the flip-side, very successful people will sometimes, unfortunately, have children who will end up not doing so well. That’s just how life works sometimes and I don’t have an explanation for it. Some charts are just structured that way. To put it simply, the negative stars in Zi Wei Dou Shu have to land somewhere, and sometimes it just lands in the sector representing children while the auspicious stars land in other areas. Similarly, for BaZi, the overall balance of your chart, how it is structured, and the hour you were born plays a great deal in determining what kind of children you’ll have.

Your Children’s Chart Will Show What Kind Of Parents They Have

A lot of parents who come for a BaZi or Zi Wei Dou Shu consultation don’t quite know that we can tell what kind of parent you are even if it’s just with your child’s chart. Perhaps not in full detail, but we can still tell a lot. Enough to know whether you’ll end up being a positive influence to your child or not.

If a parent’s chart can tell what kind of child he/she will have, the reverse is definitely possible too. The charts of the family members will be interlinked and will always paint a coherent story.

If I were to explain it from a BaZi perspective, there is an element or ‘god’ that represents the father and also one for the mother in everyone’s chart. It’s usually 偏财 for the father and 正印 for the mother but there are exceptions to this. The Year Pillar is also taken into account when assessing the parent’s role in the child’s life, especially during the early years. We can very tell immediately whether the parents will truly value-add to the child’s life by simply looking at these factors and the role they play.

The same goes for Zi Wei Dou Shu (紫微斗数) where 父母宫 is used to assess the father and 兄弟宫, although technically referring to one’s siblings, can be used to assess the mother. 田宅宫 is also often taken into account when looking at the home environment and dynamics within the family.

There are plenty of hints in a person’s child to see what kind of role the parents will play and if the parents have the capability of being a positive influence on the child. A lot of parents come for a reading assuming that their children’s charts can’t reveal what kind of parents they are. It can. A practitioner will probably know the kind of influence you’ll have on your child better than you.

You Can Be A Bad Spouse But You Can Still Be A Good Parent Vice Versa

Perhaps to add another layer and perspective, the Chinese classics do break things down even further, and there are charts where the chart-holder may not be a good spouse or partner, but they might end up being a good parent. Vice versa. I know it sounds weird, but such family dynamics do exist, but most people wouldn’t know because your experience and what you see is limited to your own family.

The ideal situation is that you value-add and become a positive influence on everyone in your family, but such cases are extremely rare and it only happens to people with well-balanced charts.

Things Do Change And It Depends On The Chart Phases You Go Through

I don’t want anybody to assume that things will stay the same throughout life. Depending on the phases you go through in the charts, there are possibilities where a toxic relationship between a parent and child becomes better, but it is very rare and the fact is that a natal chart will not change. The foundation and starting point will always be what it is and you will not be able to change the past.

I think what I’m trying to say here is that, just because the charts indicate the relationship between parent and child will become better, it doesn’t mean it’ll always end up being the warm and fuzzy kind of relationship. It may get less toxic, but still cold and stale. It might even be that case where the child decides to move away from the parents which is why the chart indicates a period where parents become less of a burden.

A Message To Parents Wanting To Have Their Child’s Chart Read

Firstly, please know what you’re getting yourself into. It’s naive to come with the expectation that your child has a top-notch chart. I mean, why come with expectations at all? Such charts are extremely rare. As I always said, all charts are interconnected. If your own chart says that you’re not meant to have a good child, it’s likely that you will not get one unless you’re an enlightened individual and Heavens decides that you deserve to have your chart transcended. Don’t assume that transcending charts are that easy. Also, if you don’t wish to hear bad things, then I’d suggest you don’t come for a reading. Everyone’s charts will have flaws and we all go through good and bad phases.

Secondly, the best way to help your child isn’t to have his or her chart read. The best way to help your child is by focusing on yourself and learning how to be a good parent, by making sure your child grows up in a good, loving environment. If your marriage is on the rocks, then please work on it and spare your child the toxic environment. What’s the bloody point of asking me how the marriage of your child will turn out when your own marriage is in shambles, and on top of that, your child is less than a year old. Your child is going to be learning about marriage and relationships from you, and his/her choice of partners will also be indirectly influenced by you. It’s unlikely that you’re going to be of any positive influence on your child if you don’t even have your own life sorted out. It’s the same thing when I said that if you want to have a good spouse, you will need to work on yourself first too.

Help your child? Good heavens… Please just help yourself first. How many times do I need to repeat that people with high-quality charts actually just have a lot of common sense? If you really wish to help your child, you just have to stop being a stupid person and an imbecilic parent. It’s that simple.

Please Don’t Be Arrogant And Think You Can Help Transcend Your Child’s Chart

Some narcissistic parents who tie their own self-worth to their children and project their issues on them will find their world come crashing down when they hear that their child’s chart is just average, or worse, a bad one. If you need some hard truths rubbed on your face about why we have the kind of charts we do, please refer to this blog post: Hard Truths That Aren’t Discussed In Metaphysics But Should

It’s interesting because this is the point where parents quote what I say on my blog and say that charts are meant to be transcended and that they don’t care what the charts say about their children. In principle, I agree with that of course and I still believe doing better than what your chart says is what gives life a lot of its meaning, but the reality is that your chart is still ultimately yours and one is meant to be born a certain way. On top of that, not many people will be able to transcend their charts. It is also not up to others to help someone transcend his or her chart, and by virtue of that, there is also no such thing as helping your child to transcend his or her chart. The karmic lessons are for the individual to learn – someone else cannot learn it for him/her. Your child’s ‘fight’ will be his or her own and you’ll hopefully be there as a good supporter and cheerleader, nudging him/her in the right direction.

It’s extremely naive to think that you can ‘change’ or ‘alter’ your child’s chart simply because you want to. You’re assuming that you have the wisdom and experience to do that. If you do, good on you and I’m happy for you, but again, these are extremely rare cases and that’s assuming your child is receptive to that too. I’m sure no parent wants their children to end up a criminal and they did their best to bring them up well, but it still happens even to the best of parents. Again, it’s not your battle to fight neither is it your lesson to learn.

On the topic of transcending chart: If I may use myself as an example, my chart clearly indicates that I will have parents who will severely harm me and I’m not afraid to say that they aren’t very good people. Could my parents have helped me transcend my chart? That may be possible, but the only way for that to happen is if they worked on themselves so that I can actually have good parents contrary to what my chart clearly indicates, instead of pretending that they are good parents just to make themselves feel better. My mother needed to stop being a narcissistic and my father had to stop being a wife-basher. You guys get what I’m saying right?

Going to a practitioner to get your child’s chart read doesn’t mean you will be able to help your child transcend your chart. Don’t be stupid. I repeat – don’t be stupid. You’re a parent for goodness sake. If you have a less than ideal relationship with your parents, then think back on your own life. Do you really feel that your parents could have helped you overcome some of the setbacks you were meant to go through?

A Nod For The Good Parents Out There

I know I spent a third of the post bashing bad parents, but like every Yin to a Yang, good parents, of course, exist to and I wish to acknowledge them here too.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I reject all cases where the parent wants their child’s chart read. I do have clients who are exceptional parents and they come to me to get a reading for their child and it’s always a very heart-warming experience serving these parents. To put it simply, they are just really good people with their hearts and minds in the right place and they know what they’re getting themselves into when it comes to parenting. Emotionally, financially and spiritually, they are ready to be parents. I’m very heartened to say that my circle of friends constantly serves as a source of inspiration when it comes to good parenting and I’m glad I’m surrounded by people like them.

Needless to say, these people are the ones with the better BaZi and Zi Wei Dou Shu charts.

To The Younger-Ones Out There Whose Parents Failed them

Know that you’re not alone. Here are some of the things that I learned through the course of my life and I hope it gives you some clarity, but please remember I’m not a counsellor and what I say here is not professional advice. I’m just sharing my own thoughts and opinions so you can hear from someone who has been through the same:

    • Don’t let your toxic parents use the whole Asian-values card on you. If your parents actually bothered to read through The Analects by Confucius, Confucius himself said that parents need to deserve being filial to. He just said it in a different way. In a feudalistic society back then where Confucius wasn’t regarded highly while he was alive, he wasn’t able to be as blunt as I am. That being said, I doubt toxic parents read it. (If you’re a parent playing the whole Asian-values card and saying that if your child will have ‘bad luck’ because he or she doesn’t listen to you – you’re pathetic.)
    • You will keep hearing things like “But they are your parents.” and there will be plenty of people who are out there who will guilt-trip you thinking they are offering good advice. In some situations, yes, it’s a reminder to try to make amends and build a good relationship with your parents. If that’s possible, that’s great. But there will be extreme cases where parents are abusive and no one knows and these parents just pretend to be good people to people outside, so don’t let what other people say get to you. They won’t understand what it’s like to have abusive or narcissistic parents and they won’t know what you’re going through. I’m not sure why, but we live in a society where it’s easier to tell a child “but they are your parents” instead of telling parents “but they are your child” as if Asian values don’t apply to them and parenting.
    • Protecting yourself against your parent’s abuse won’t bring you ‘bad luck’ or bad karma. In fact, I can tell you that for some of us, learning how to protect and stand up for ourselves is learning a karmic lesson. I’m definitely not saying you become rebellious and throw the abusive parent label around flippantly. Protecting yourself will mean different things and there is no template way of doing it. My case is an extreme example because I moved out and severed ties, but it doesn’t mean you do the same. You will probably not know how to do this effectively because you are vulnerable and financially reliant on them and you’ll likely just react as with anger. Reach out to an adult you can trust or professional and get help.
    • There will come a point where you need to take this anguish and anger and turn it into something constructive and use it to drive you towards success. It’ll be a huge waste if you let your life go to waste just because your parents don’t with to take their life seriously. I completely understand that there will be a very dark period where you’ll have to tell yourself “I have issues.” and it’s no thanks to your parents. Please know that it is normal and it is alright. It will take time to heal. Practice self-love and I hope you have friends and others you can lean on during this period. Perhaps the most important thing to know here is that, as unfortunate as the things you went through, you are responsible for your own healing. There will be times where you screw things up as you heal, but keep trying.

I will say one harsh thing though. If you do not put in the effort to become better than your parents, blame everyone else for the trouble you go through and use what you went through as an excuse for the trouble you get into, then the cycle will just repeat and your eventual child will likely end up being a victim as well. Don’t let that happen.

For the others who are fortunate enough to be born into a better family, if you know someone who has had such a past, please reach out to them and help them. Trust me, you have friends in such families but it’s unlikely you will know. They will need a safe environment where they can be themselves and heal, and they could also do with a bit of love. The people who are supposed to give them the love and protection they need as a child did the exact opposite and they have no one to turn to. They might seem weird and odd at first but it’s because of the inner-struggles, so try to understand.

Why Do Toxic People And Parents Exist? Why Do Bad Charts Exist?

As I’ve always said, in metaphysics, reality can only exist as a duality. There is always a Yin to a Yang. Good charts cannot exist with bad charts and the reverse is the same.

As much I wish toxic people and parents don’t exist, they are there to teach us important lessons in hopes that we don’t repeat it. It’s all a cycle – death and decay need to happen to give birth to life. Our charts describe which part of this cycle we are at. In other words, some charts show growth for a person, but some charts also show ‘decay’ in a person.

These are very philosophical questions that I won’t be able to address in just one short paragraph. You need to fully appreciate what our ancestors mean when thy say Yin and Yang.

If I may put it in the most layman way possible, you’ll know that in nature, the things that are growing rely on the things that are decaying to nourish them. That’s just how nature works. I’ll leave it to you to imagine what this means when translated into Chinese metaphysics, human life and the dynamics of how society functions.

Speaking Up For My Friends In The Educational Field And Teachers Out There

Please don’t be a joke of a parent and blame everything on the teachers. Yes, some people are horrible teachers and there is a special place in hell for them, but please remember there is a special place in hell for bad parents too and I’m sure it’ll be a blazing inferno instead of an excessively hot bath.

Take some bloody responsibility for your own life and child and stop blaming everyone else for the problems in your life. It’s your fault that you’re an insecure loser who can only feel good through your child’s achievements and your incessant need to compete with others, not your child’s. I pray they don’t inherit your stupidity.

Let that sink in you joke of a parent,
Sean

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Written by Sean Chan

Sean Chan is Asia's leading Chinese metaphysics consultant specializing in BaZi, Zi Wei Dou Shu, Qi Men Dun Jia, and Feng Shui. A thought-leader in the field, Sean's been featured on Channel NewsAsia, The New York Times Style Magazine and other local media. He blogs regularly about various topics surrounding Chinese metaphysics and aims to educate the public about the field.

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