In case anyone’s wondering what I was thinking about in the feature picture – I was thinking about dinner (BBQ? Seafood? Ramyeon?) and what an amazing husband I am. If the wife wants to book an Airbnb experience photoshoot in Jeju, you shut the hell up and say “yes” – it’s kind of fun anyway! Also, this is as far as I’m to go where pictures of myself and my wife are concerned. It’s not like everyone doesn’t know what we look like anyway.
My mind always goes into stasis each time I sit myself down to write a personal reflection post, not because I don’t know what to write but because there are just so many things on my mind to lay down in one post. This post will be a wordy stream of consciousness, but I will try to structure it as clearly as possible. This will be a self-indulgent post that I sometimes feel embarrassed about writing, but hey, I own this digital space, and no one is pointing a gun at you to read it. If you’re one of those who aren’t interested in knowing other people’s thoughts, or if your brain is (sadly) only capable of short-term TikTok videos, this post is not for you. (Gawd, I need to stop offending people right at the beginning. Also, have you ever wondered why it’s TikTok anyway? Because it’s the sound of you wasting your life away.)
I did a poll a while back on what I should write about. This post will address all those topics in the poll, but it will be a condensed version.
Before I move on, I wish to make it clear that whenever I write posts like these, it’s not to distort perception or try to create a positive image. I’ll be the first person to tell everyone that I’m no saint and have my flaws, but I am doing what I can. If I wanted to create a false image, I would have gone down the same path other ‘practitioners’ have – claiming a lineage, buying fake social media followers, blatantly lying, and doing whatever I can to fake it till I make it. I embrace the light and the dark, the good and the bad, and the Yin and the Yang of what I am like, and I do this not because I can use it as an excuse for my actions but so that I have a better understanding of myself, and that I can control the different facets of myself.
Do I love? Yes, and deeply. Do I hate? Of course, and with a passion. But I guess what’s important is what I love and what I hate.
I try to make it a habit to write a personal post at the end of each year as a ritual to recap how the year went, as well as prime myself for the new year so that I can step into it fully prepared and, more importantly, remember how I even got so far in the first place. It was a habit I started in 2014 when I first wrote this Facebook note that just let everything out.
There’s a Chinese saying 「知易者不占，善易者不卜」， which roughly means as long as you understand the laws governing change and the universe, you don’t need to consult astrology or any form of divination much. I don’t usually look at my chart, but I’ve been doing so more recently because 2022 is special – I kickstart a new 10-Year Phase in 2022. It would mark the beginning of an extended period of good fortune if I were to go strictly by theory. I remember telling my wife the change can’t be that, and I would have been desensitized to it since I’m a practitioner, but boy, was I wrong. I hit the ground – and the ground went running (because I’m fat now).
Understanding my chart on an intellectual level is one thing because I often still sit here and ask myself the same question I throw my clients, “Do I deserve it?” It is only fair and logical that I ask myself this tough question I ask everyone. I don’t have an answer, only that I am doing what I can to deserve it, and I embrace it in hope and trepidation.
The past few months have been spent thinking about my life and how it came to be, the concept of self and the ego, and my purpose. I have also been thinking about my mortality a bit more because I can feel my body getting older, and I am also at the halfway mark. Heavens, what a ride it’s been.
I can spend a lot of time in my thoughts, not because I enjoy melancholy and poignancy. Being in your thoughts, even in solitude, is a very simple human joy I’ve learned to appreciate over the course of my life, which is why I spent five days alone in Jeju to be by myself with my wife’s blessing. You could even say it was a trait I needed to develop during my younger days; if not, I would have never survived.
This yearly ritual of writing a memoir is something I rather enjoy, and I hope everyone gives it a try at some point.
Thinking About How I Even Got Here
I often think about how I managed to get to where I am. I don’t do it to gloat or parade myself. I do it because it is my story and journey, which virtually no one can relate to simply because of how torturous it was initially. It is also my way of honouring my past and my pain which I know will always be with me but is now, fortunately, forever the source of my strength and inspiration. I don’t regret going through what I did; as I’ve always said, bad phases precede good ones. It’s nature’s laws, and it’s all a cycle, and I’m glad I survived the trials and tribulations and found meaning in them. It was all Heaven’s will anyway.
It’s a sad start by most standards, but if I may say so, it also makes a glorious comeback and one hell of a life story. I never appreciated my astrological chart and its hidden blessings until much later.
I don’t think I need to reiterate the kind of person the two people who gave birth to me are like. There is a certain beauty to it because recently, I’ve been joking with my wife and friends about how two people meet at the right moment, probably go through one hell of a gut-churning, hypocritical courtship, and fornicating at the right time, to give birth to me and my astrological chart. I hope I am not putting myself on a pedestal by saying this, but the woman who gave birth to me still, hands down, has the worst chart I’ve ever seen in my life, and the only good thing in the chart was the son.
I don’t know if anyone can relate to this feeling of awe, knowing that everything somehow falls into place perfectly according to a set of given laws. Imagine this: If the two people who gave birth to me decided to fornicate a day or even an hour earlier/later, I would not have the chart of a practitioner – the soul that the chart paints would have been entirely different. If my head was smaller and I didn’t need to go through a c-section, I would have had an entirely different chart. All this also happens when everyone’s charts are also synchronous, meaning the charts of everyone involved paint a congruent story. There is a divine geometry and timing that simply blows my mind.
Most people cannot relate to why I take my job so seriously to the point I almost treat it as something sacred and not meant to be trivialised. Not even other practitioners, especially in Singapore, can relate to this because the motivations behind how everyone got started are different. Me saying that studying Chinese metaphysics and its philosophies saved me, gave me closure, and helped me find meaning in what I went through might feel like an over-dramatisation for you – but it isn’t. Chinese metaphysics is also our history, and culture, which no one should ever bastardise.
I look back and can’t even begin to fathom how much things have changed. I worry that if I were to go into the details, it would come across the wrong way – which is why I can only hope what I put on this blog can convey the sheer marvel of what I’ve experienced and why I always tell people to hang in there till their positive 10-Year Phases come because the negative ones are a necessity.
I hope I will get to continue to share my journey through this blog. Whether this blog bores you, inspires you, makes you laugh, or makes you go blind, I hope you enjoy your time spent here – whoever is fated to stumble upon it.
Please understand I don’t write to grandstand myself as someone who can help people or make myself look good. I write because I like to write and have moments of inspiration that compel me to write. And to me: hidden between these words is a sanguine beauty and solace reflecting my soul and spirit, sharpened and honed by vicissitudes while also vivified by hope and what’s left of my journey.
To throw in some flair: me wanting to write is kind of like a fart you are dying to squeeze out, and because you are alone, you can let out a thunderous one to see how loud it can be and if a new decibel record can be broken, all while hoping you won’t accidentally eject some solids. Don’t be a hypocrite – you know you do that.
I can’t thank the people who’ve reached out to say that they enjoy what I put down enough. This blog will always be the purest expression of what I am like inside and the inner conversations I have with myself, and to see you enjoy it while also withholding judgement, means the world to me.
My Instagram, on the other hand, is another thing. I will talk about that later.
My Spirit, Spirituality, & Religion
I don’t discuss religion and spirituality much because nothing compels me to write about it, but I’ll take the chance to do so this time and say a few things.
I grew up as a Buddhist, and what I’m doing now is a mix of Buddhism and Taoism. I grew up witnessing people weaponise religion whereby, as long as you cling to that label, you are suddenly better than others. Spiritual narcissism plagues society, and you would also see this happening in the Chinese metaphysics/astrology profession. I won’t go into what spiritual narcissism means because it should already be clear. It’s just narcissism packaged differently.
I do believe in spirituality, and I would see myself as spiritual, especially when I am in a field that deals with the ethereal, to the extent of believing that planets from light years away can have some effect on us. If that doesn’t convince you that I believe in some form of a higher power, I don’t know what will. As for being religious: I wouldn’t dare call myself religious by any means, especially given the amount of s***posting I do, my potty mouth, and how I can berate people without hesitation. Absolute devotion to religion is not my path. Whereas I can appreciate it as a moral guide and a framework for understanding the world, I don’t let it define me or follow it blindly. It also doesn’t mean I don’t seek what we call the “truth” – I do but in my own way.
I have always taken spirituality and religion into my own hands. One of the defining moments where I realised how malleable or fragile the mind was when I got involved in Large Group Awareness Training sessions packaged as leadership courses where they use techniques cults use to indoctrinate people. This happened in 2007 when I first started university, which also gave me a bad start to my university days. I signed up for it with the purest of intentions and for self-improvement but got ‘brainwashed’. It was only six months, but it still led to a mental breakdown that took me a whole year to recover from because of how sinister and effective it was. I recovered, thankfully, and for a while, I detested humanity after discovering things such as Project MKUltra existed. Time passed, and I moved on, and 2009 was the year I started developing an interest in philosophy to broaden my mind’s horizons the way it should be broadened.
This incident is something I believe few can relate to, where you snap in and out of two realities so quickly that it causes a complete meltdown. I always describe the feeling like you were being unplugged from the Matrix. My mind was torn, but when I pieced it back together, it became stronger than ever, but alas, it was not my final test because of “Hello Saturn Return”.
That incident happened because of a peer I met at NUS Business School’s orientation camp, and it was one of those events in my life I knew I was fated to go through. I do not blame my peer for the incident because she genuinely felt she was doing good, but she didn’t. This event was one of the biggest reasons I started to develop mental clarity on many things because the boundaries between good and bad are blurred, and I knew also got to experience first-hand where the mind could go. This is why I would never want anyone to see me as some form of teacher or guide because I had my mind ‘invaded’ by others throughout my life, and I don’t want to be doing anything that’s even marginally similar. I’m OK with dancing around the edges of your mind, waving a few flags, but I will never tell someone what or how they should or shouldn’t think.
The dark way of spinning all this is that I have everything I need to start a cult, but why the hell would I do that? To feel good about myself? Nah~! I’d rather be by myself than be the leader of a bunch of mindless, uninspiring idiots. To that point, Chinese metaphysics, in a lot of ways, has become a cult.
Learn to think for yourself.
There are many more stories that I did not mention on my blog, and this ‘brainwashing’ incident in 2007 is one that I wish I spoke more about to warn/educate everyone. It has nothing to do with Chinese metaphysics, only that most people interested in Chinese metaphysics behave like mindless idiots acolytes in cults, so the opportunity didn’t arise.
I think it’s clear that I will not rely on an institution or someone else to decide how to walk my religious or spiritual path. My mind and soul are my own, and only I understand it the best – no one will know what I need the most other than myself. Because if you are going to tell me things like, “But they share the same blood.”, I will tell you to go f*** yourself and save your pseudo-wisdom.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
In case anyone misinterprets – I am referring to the institution, not religion itself. I see value in its teachings, but the institutions behind it are another matter. The notion is the same as how I self-studied Chinese metaphysics. I will make sense of something myself if what others say doesn’t make sense to me. It came to a point where I knew that if Heavens really wanted to help me, it wouldn’t be in the form of having someone shove religious doctrine down my throat or jam it up my a**.
In the past, I often asked myself why the Goddess of Mercy (观音) left me to suffer for a good 28 years no matter how much I prayed, and I did pray a lot because my chess school was near the Waterloo temple. I grew up being bullied and ostracised in school because I was a weird kid due to abuse, only to return to a house to continue being abused. Mercy? You’re kidding. I received no mercy – only malice.
Life works in beguiling ways because, looking back, given the way I was, I would have gone down a completely different path if I had it easy. I guess the mercy bestowed upon me was my surviving everything, and perhaps the greater power overseeing everything knew I would be alright.
I had good people around me who helped me along the way, and for that, I will always be grateful.
Why I Don’t Package What I Do With Religion
What is religion anyway? The universal truth? A social construct? A notion or story that binds society together? I still ask myself these questions.
I don’t package religion with what I do simply because there’s no need to. I believe in a higher power, but how I view this higher power is that there is no “form” to it. It doesn’t matter whether the “higher power” appears as an Asian man with a moustache or a white man with no hair. It doesn’t matter to me. If left for me to decide, I want the higher power to look like Gal Gadot. The fact that the Guanyin, or should I say Avalokiteshvara, is perceived as male in Tibetan Buddhism and female in Chinese Buddhism should already imply that the form does not matter. When I meet my creator, I would love for him?/her? to have purple hair, be dressed in rainbows, and have three or four boobs (because why not), or maybe I want just the creator manifest as Blackpink singing Boombayah regardless of whether I step into Heaven or Hell.
If your creator is a white man with a beard – whatever rocks your boat, man. I want my creator to have sass and drip because drip is forever, and I want it to pour. My point is that how I view my creator is none of anyone’s business; how you view yours is also none of mine but one I will definitely respect. My view of the higher power is that it has no form and will always stay this way.
All this is not to say that religion didn’t help me as I was growing up because it did provide a framework to work on. How I approach my religion or spirituality overall is very personal, and I will never tell anyone what to do with theirs.
My favourite Zen Buddhism saying is, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.”. The last thing anyone should do is let religion itself get in the way of their growth. The saying also reminds you that if you feel everything can be answered by religion, please think again.
Mixing what I do with religion is completely unnecessary. It complicates matters. It is also a topic I don’t know enough about to speak about. One thing I don’t get about humanity is the conflict arising from religion. It’s supposed to make us better, but a lot of times, it doesn’t. In some cases, blind faith also makes us foolish because, for the life of me, I don’t see why I need to be merciful to an evil person whom I know will go on to inflict harm on 1,000 others should I spare this person.
Whenever someone asks me, “What’s your religion now?” I would casually dismiss it and tell them I worship the planets and stars. Astrology and metaphysics have an appeal because no civilisation or culture has a monopoly over them. If Western, Vedic, and Chinese astrology can unanimously call the two people who gave birth to me subhumans, something is going on there.
Religious doctrine would have likely killed me because it would have ‘forced’ me to stay in an environment that slowly stripped away my humanity. I am also probably the most ‘un-religious’ that I can be because I am just waiting for the two people who gave birth to me to pass on so that I can close this chapter.
Do I deserve to be cursed to think this way? Do I not deserve my justice? Are my feelings, emotions, and well-being not important to the point I have to let demons in the real world harm me?
No, I fight.
Please Don’t Ever See Me As A Coach Or Teacher
I want to clarify that I never intended to position myself as a guide or teacher to everyone. It may sometimes seem like I am doing so, but it’s not what I’m aiming at. If anyone somehow views me as one, I’m humbled to know that sharing my experiences helped.
If there’s one thing I wish to achieve, it’s to get people to think for themselves, learn from other people’s experiences, or consider a different perspective. To assume that I am in the position to teach or coach is, in my opinion, dangerous and presumptuous. I’m not trying to be coy here, although some people might think I am – it’s just not me. Perhaps it’s because I grew up learning virtually everything independently, and I would like to believe everyone can do that.
I hope everyone remembers that I was someone who grew up being constantly bullied and ostracised because people could tell I had issues. As normal as I looked on the outside, my inner world was a mess. No one cared about my existence, so to be suddenly seen as someone in the position to teach feels odd and needs getting used to.
If everyone can see Chinese metaphysics, philosophy, and astrology the same way I do, I do not need to say anything more. Astrology is a useful catalyst at times and offers a different way of looking at things. The qualified professionals specialising in coaching or counselling are in much better positions to help you get there. Don’t forget that you are also the best person to get yourself there. My time and bandwidth are limited, so I can only focus on one thing – being a practitioner. That’s it.
As weird as it sounds, I avoid coming across as a coach because it conflicts with what I do. It does not make sense. Simply put, if you were to see things through the eyes of a practitioner, you would understand that certain things in life will not happen just because someone there is constantly coaching or repeating the same thing over and over again to you. Most people are too lazy to even read, so I don’t see how coaching will ever help. I do believe in coaching, but I find that its efficacy of it is tied to the coachee’s innate calibre.
In other words, if you are not functioning on a certain level, coaching isn’t going to change your life. For example: If I were to use Qi Men Dun Jia for a Category 1 chart-holder, this person might end up earning or saving millions, whereas, for a Category 4 person, it does nothing much.
As much as I hate to say this, the other reason I don’t feel compelled to position myself as a coach or teacher is that I also know some people are somewhat hopeless – I study charts and the make-up of someone’s soul, after all. If someone cannot take responsibility for oneself or lacks self-awareness, I don’t see how anyone can help. Transcending one’s chart is also something no one can teach you.
Perhaps let’s put it this way: For anything outside of yourself to help, one needs a certain level of talent, life experience, and perhaps wisdom. Not everyone has these things.
My Spirit & Soul
One thing most people can’t get about me is why I can ‘switch modes’. I can write about sobering topics, and I can do satire. I have my softer moments, and I can also be utterly savage. I don’t have any explanation for this other than to say that I am built the way I am, and my charts give some explanation. Hello, Jupiter, Saturn, Mars, and Yang Metal. I joke about swinging between a sage and a savage, and the difference is the missing “va” which means “very aggro”.
It’s very weird to say such things, but there is a certain pride and dignity that no one can take away from me for reasons I don’t think I need to state explicitly. Statistically, someone with my past would have easily ended up on the wrong path and probably wouldn’t have had a blissful marriage. I’m sure we all know someone whose life took an unfortunate turn.
Aside from my pride and dignity, there’s also a fighting spirit that few people can see or relate to. This will be a weird way to convey emotion and what I feel inside, so bear with me.
I’m sure some of you know I like watching anime. It’s a big part of my childhood and gave me a lot of solace during lonely times. I mean, what’s there not to like about it?
Here’s a scene that made me cry (lower the volume):
First, may I say the voice acting is world-class? This is one of my all-time favourite animes because of the themes involved. Family, fighting for good (with katanas no less), friendship, cutting down evil, never giving up, and knowing that sometimes bad people have sad backstories (but it’s no excuse for becoming a demon because we all have sad backstories).
That roar and the emotions it conveys – anger, adamantine will, and perhaps even resentment – sum up my emotions in a way words cannot. I can relate to that roar which is why I cried when I watched this scene, especially when it was also a scene where good triumphs over evil.
There were moments I shouted or roared like that, but that was over a decade ago. No prizes for guessing who it was at and what the setting was.
Me crawling out of the pit of despair, the words I say and the things I do sometimes still have the emotional intensity of this roar. It’s just that I can’t go around screaming like that every day – but there is a silent one deep inside me. If you can read my chart, you will know why I am wired like that (hello, Mars and Saturn). The themes that trigger our emotions are different, so this is mine, amongst other things. Thankfully, other things move me now, too, because I no longer feel like I’m fighting a war anymore, although I grew to become someone who hates evil and will continue to hate it till my time is up.
This side of me is why I tend to have hobbies that personify this side of the human spirit. Believe it or not, chess requires some form of fighting spirit because if you keep backing off, you will eventually lose. I could write a 9,000-word essay on how chess (Weiqi in particular) helped me. It was also a good distraction from many things happening in the background.
I had another hobby, and this is embarrassing, but what the heck:
I don’t look like that anymore! Although I hope I age like wine.
I miss doing kendo and the feeling of fighting like your life is on the line. You needed to stay calm and collected no matter what, and when you fight, you had best give your all. I took it up not because it looked cool (it doesn’t). It was the spirit behind the sport or martial art. I could have been a good fighter/fencer if I continued, but alas, 2012 was when my Saturn Return started kicking in, and I did not continue, although I still harbour thoughts of going back. It’s funny looking back because as glamorous(?) as that picture looked, this was weeks before my life came crashing down. Everything hit at the same time. It’s funny because it felt like Heavens was saying, “You think you’re cool? Let’s see how you deal with this then.”
I don’t quite know how to begin to describe what 2012 and 2013 were like. Humiliation, destitution, desperation, despair. Until then, no one knew what kind of family I was born into until I wrote the Facebook note, which began the healing process. This was also the note that made the woman who gave birth to me send death threats because “it made her look bad” when her behaviour only proves my point.
I know I said I don’t wish to bring up my childhood and family in previous posts, but it’s very hard for me to do so because my career, or calling, is inextricably tied to my past. I don’t say this as a form of grandstanding, but it feels as though everything I went through was preparing me for this career. Everything.
Because if I had a comfortable life, who am I to tell my younger clients that I know what they are going through? It’s not just about being born into a less-than-ideal family. It’s what it does to you and the struggles. The climb back up is excruciating and lonely because your peers will not be able to understand. As for my older clients, it’s funny because they’re at the age when the man and woman who gave birth to me start to go into a death spiral, so in some ways, I know what I need to say to them – and it’s not going to be pleasant.
As I look in the mirror these days, I sometimes wish I took better care of myself, but at the same time, the wrinkles, saggy skin, and the sharpness of my gaze that remains remind me of all the inner battles and outer wars I’ve fought. Perhaps I should embrace that I’m about to reach middle age, and instead of thinking about what my younger self could have been, focus on making my late-30s to 40s a glorious one that’s worthy of someone with my story.
Why I’ve Been Thinking About “Self” & “Ego” A Lot
I don’t think I need to tell anyone that I can be a very vocal and blunt person who won’t hesitate to voice my opinion and thoughts. This is the side of me that gets me labelled “arrogant”, but like I said, calling me “arrogant” would imply that I am good enough that I don’t have to improve or work on myself anymore. Whether or not that is true and that I am indeed arrogant is something only Heavens can decide.
We live in a world where it’s almost as though it’s a sin to be good or stand up for something, and the only way not to be seen as arrogant is to be mediocre. That being said, I’ll always remember balance because anything taken to the extreme will change its nature and backfire, so I know I can’t overdo things either.
I’ve been thinking about the topic of “self” vs “ego” because I know I will be put to the test again someday. I know it is the one thing that can end up destroying me, and it would be foolish. I guess you could say the “ego” is something I’ve spent my younger days dealing with. When I say or write something, I’ll ask myself, “who” is saying or writing it?
I guess the simplest way you could describe the “ego” is that it is a defence mechanism we use to protect ourselves from the real world and react to most things, whereas the real “self” does not because we are at peace with ourselves. Let’s take, for example: If someone went, “Hey Sean, you’re such a prick!” during my younger years, I would have probably been very offended. If someone said the same thing to me now, I’d probably go, “Thank you! I know!”.
If you’ve not done the Enneagram before (it’s been a while since I mentioned this), I’d highly encourage you to check it out because it’s a tool that helped me understand my issues. You will find that it has a lot more practical uses than Chinese metaphysics.
I’ve said this before, but many things were done for validation or admiration because of the issues I had to deal with when I was younger. If you’ve studied the Enneagram, you’ll immediately know I’m a Type 3. My choices did not come from a good place – it was mostly about how it would make me look or feel good. I still think about these topics a lot because the job I have now poses a lot of pitfalls:
- As a practitioner, you have some form of power over your clients seeking answers. It’s like how if you’re someone’s manager, your subordinate future hinges on your decisions.
- If you do not keep the above in check, the ego grows.
- If the above two are unchecked, a vicious cycle of cluster fornication will form, and everyone will get metaphysically screwed.
The above is why you sometimes see people who claim to be spiritual masters, mediums, or fortune-tellers in newspapers getting arrested for some stupid crime. This part of human nature is not difficult to understand, and we will all face similar scenarios at some point.
Behind the diatribe I spew, unbeknownst to many people, I often ask myself, “Where are all these coming from?” Believe it or not, I know exactly where it comes from, and I make it a point to make sure it comes from a good place, and yes, even when it is me chastising someone. My morality doesn’t mean I’m always nice; if being harsh leads to a good outcome, I am more than willing to be harsh. But the next question to myself is whether I should be doing or saying whatever I’m doing and whether I am in the position to do so.
Everyone knows by now that I do not hesitate to chastise clients when the situation calls for it, but it’s only for specific issues and scenarios. Let me elaborate:
- The most common is when I encounter a client messing up their children’s lives. You don’t need an IQ above 160 to know I feel strongly about parents who are degenerates. The child is too young to know what’s going on and to defend him/herself, and no one is calling out the parent for their deplorable actions and behaviour. If I find myself in the position to rip a parent like that a new one, I will gladly take the opportunity; trust me, I will have the most beautiful sleep that night, and I will even go as far as to call it my life purpose. I do not do this out of spite, nor am I doing this to inflict pain. These people should not have even gotten married, yet, they brought life to the world and inflicted misery on everyone. At the back of my mind, I know no one is doing anything for the children
- Some people, by nature of their absolutely garbage chart, do not have friends or good people around them to call them out for their nonsense. It’s not surprising because these people either avoid any chance of being criticised or people around them give up on them. No one wants to waste their time on them. Unfortunately, that job sometimes ends up falling on my lap. I have no choice but to be harsh if the gentle, polite way does not work because, as politically incorrect as it is to say this, some people are just not wired or wise enough to ‘get it’.
Being a practitioner in the industry and saying things like annual zodiac forecasts are redundant and stupid, as well as why feng shui items are useless and why some BaZi charts are garbage, is rattling the cage and akin to declaring war on the industry.
I cannot help doing and saying what I do when I have moronic clients involved in domestic violence (with children involved) and still have the audacity to “LOLz” me during the consultation. Then there are ‘practitioners’ out there taking advantage of this. I’m sorry, I cannot be nice in such a scenario – if I could, I would start my own damn religion.
I often ask myself whether I should be the one saying these things while also remembering what got me saying these things in the first place. Again, is it my “ego” or my “real self” speaking?
There will always be moments of doubt because I’m still figuring things out. The biggest difference between the younger and older me is that I know exactly where my intentions are coming from, and there is clarity in my thoughts. I also try to ask myself what kind of person Heavens would want me to be.
I don’t know if anyone can relate to this, although I’m sure those with a hobby or passion can. When we are engrossed in something we enjoy or find meaning in, we forget our “sense of self” and are lost in that activity. At that moment, we forget who we are, our names, and our past and are fully in the present. One of the books that helped me a lot in my toughest years was The Power Of Now by Eckhart Toelle. It’s a very new-age book that most people would baulk at, but personally, it helped me a lot in exploring how the mind and ego work and what is in the present means.
I find myself in such a meditated state when I write or decipher a chart. I am purely in the moment. I forget my name, I forget my past – which is a nice feeling.
I hope to remain in such a state in whatever I do.
The Cruelest Thing I Can, But Don’t Say To People
Perhaps to demonstrate what I mean when I say what happens if I let my ego get in the way in the most relatable manner.
This is a very uncomfortable thing for me to say because it’s the darkest side of not just myself but people in general. Please withhold judgement.
There are many moments in my career where I can simply go, “What you have gone through is nothing. That’s all you can take? No wonder you can’t go far.” I tell myself I cannot think this way, but I’m also not going to pretend to be a saint because sometimes, I do think this way, and then I remember Saturn going up my a**hole. Then, I tell myself I absolutely cannot say such a thing to someone who is already feeling down.
In some ways, and in some situations, arguably, it is true – I have gone through more than others. But I am extremely cognisant that if I were to say something like “What you have gone through is nothing.”, it would mean I am projecting my pain onto others, and that would be my “ego” talking, which is something only Category 4 chart-holders will do. I rather die than be like that.
I survived my past by learning not to invalidate my feelings and pain, so I have absolutely no right to invalidate the feelings and pain of others. There are, of course, moments where I slip – I am but human.
That being said, I also need everyone to remember that although I won’t invalidate how you feel and can even relate to your pain, it doesn’t mean I will go easy on you. I don’t feel they are mutually exclusive, and they can be executed in the right way. It would have helped a lot if I had someone there during my younger days to tell me that I had issues stemming from the environment I grew up in, but life had other plans.
Of my 36 years of being alive, I guess you could say that at this moment, right now – I’m at my most grateful, happy, healthy, and also content state. I never knew feeling this way was even possible. I am grateful, but because I study Yin and Yang, I am my biggest killjoy, so I tell myself to be careful and not be too happy for too long.
I hope my life can stay the way it is, and if it can get even better, I wouldn’t mind. But I know for that to happen, it would take a whole new level of functioning, and a lot more would be expected of me. In many ways, I am hopeful, but let’s see.
My Eight Years As A Practitioner & Moving Foward
It has been a remarkable journey, and I never expected things to turn out this way. This may feel a bit mechanical to read, but it’s really for me to chronicle my journey. Here’s the timeline:
- 2012 & 2013: These two years were right before my Saturn Return when the effects started kicking in. You will always hear me saying this was the lowest point when I wish I didn’t wake up every morning. This was also the point when I started self-studying Chinese metaphysics.
- 2014: This was an eventful year. It was the year my Saturn Return officially started. For some reason, in a moment of clarity, I severed ties with my entire family, moved out, and never looked back. I also returned to the corporate world after trying my hand at entrepreneurship in 2012/13. I was blessed to have extremely kind landlords from Sri Lanka whom I stayed with for five years, and they attended my wedding. This was also the year I gave my first very paid BaZi reading to someone on the forums.
- 2015: It was a rather stable year. Nothing was too memorable other than getting my manager fired for fraud and changing companies. It’s a long story, but I guess you could say I took no BS since long ago.
- 2016: It was my 冲太岁 year (Clashing with Grand Duke), and with my knowledge of Chinese metaphysics back then, I already knew this would be an eventful year. I changed jobs twice. I will not mention the first company because everyone will laugh. The second was at Grab where I, again, got my manager fired. This was also the year I started screening clients because of a few brushes with Category 4 clients, and I decided I would not waste my life on degenerates. I dumped my toxic ex, who was always lamenting how big of a loser I was, and it was more satisfying than all the combined dumps I’ve had in my entire life. I contemplated travelling the world as a nomadic astrologer, but everything came to a full digestive cycle as I found my wife within the same year. I had my first mini-media feature on Her World.
- 2017: It felt more like a transitional year from instability to stability. My Saturn Return became a Saturn F*** off. But to give the planet its credit, Saturn is well-placed in my chart, and I benefitted from the tough lessons.
- 2018: The first year right after my Saturn Return. This was perhaps the most life-changing year because I had my first big media break and was featured on Channel NewsAsia and T Magazine. The amazing thing was both journalists approached me within the same week. The Channel NewsAsia happened thanks to a client from 2016 when she mentioned my name in passing, and it caught the journalist’s attention. The client is a close friend now. My sideline was stable enough for me to do this as a full-time job. I also proposed to my wife.
2019: I left my job at Grab in October because the environment started changing, and HR was living up to its reputation where a lot (not all) of stupid people gathered to do a bad job and burden others. I got married. I decided to try being a full-time Chinese metaphysics consultant and see where it leads. I was also prepared to travel extensively until the pandemic hit.
End 2019 – 2022: Because we couldn’t travel, these years were spent laying the foundations of my work and upgrading myself. I revamped my website, self-studied Qi Men Dun Jia, and had a few media features, the most memorable being the one with Rice Media. I’m in the middle of self-studying 六壬 and reading up on other forms of astrology for leisure and broadening my horizons. I’m enjoying my career as a practitioner while also trying to avoid pitfalls.
And here I am. The mere listing of the timeline doesn’t give what I’ve experienced in the past eight years justice.
I do not know where else this career of mine will lead. If things remained the way they are now for the rest of my life, it would be good enough. I’ve always taken an “it is what it is” attitude regarding my job. I don’t advertise, and I don’t pitch myself to the media – they approach me and provide an angle, and I decide if it would make a meaningful story. My career as a practitioner was really about letting nature take its course, and I let nature take its course because I am a practitioner.
I can’t say this enough, but I am extremely fortunate that I don’t need to advertise and can still sustain myself. This is only possible because of you – the people reading it. How I function will likely stay the same in the long run. My operations will stay also stay as lean as possible. Scaling this or training other people to do readings does not make sense. Keeping things simple also means I can focus on the important things. The Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner I respect and go to operates the same way – she does not advertise and focuses on her craft and doing her best for her patients. If you try to book an appointment now, you must wait at least four months.
These are just thoughts I entertain in my head: but I’ve always felt that I would enjoy being that mysterious practitioner that a select few know. Being clandestine does have an appeal. Besides, if every single person came to me for a reading, it would be impossible for me to handle.
Three Years As A Married Man
One of the best parts of my chart is my marriage, which naturally means one of the best parts of my life is my marriage. It’s the aspect of my life that uplifts everything else. I was the last person on Earth who expected to end up having a blissful marriage.
The backstory of how we met is funny. We met on the Coffee Meets Bagel app, and when she first saw my profile, she swiped me left. Fate intervened, and I matched her colleague at work, and she forwarded my profile to my wife. This time, she swiped right. We could have missed each other. It was long-distance at the beginning because she was on a career break and studying in Korea.
My wife is the kind of woman who could have gotten any guy she wanted, or she could have married someone from a better family. I sometimes still don’t know why she chose me, and her superficial response was because of my height (186cm, thank you, Heavens) and humour. I was no corporate high-flyer when I met her, and my job as a practitioner was just a side gig which wasn’t enough for me to support myself.
We fell in love, dated, and got married.
When I first met her, I wasn’t fully healed, nor had I stepped out from the shadows of my past. I was fully cognisant of that to the point that I could tell her my issues would trigger and I would need help. I told her that if she dated me, there would be some difficulties at the beginning when some of my issues and trauma would surface. Despite everything, she held on, knowing I was self-aware enough to work on the area I still needed to work on.
We’ve been together since 2016, and we’ve been married for three years. I don’t know what I did to deserve a wife like her. We complement each other well because I cannot imagine being married to myself.
There is no secret to our marriage. We take the lead in different things. We grow together. We communicate openly, always make it a point to appreciate each other for the smallest things and never hesitate to say “sorry” when we have to. There is no power struggle in our marriage which I see a lot in my clients’ marriages. We start and end our days with hugs, and there’s always a lot of affection and laughter because one of us will be doing something stupid to make the other person laugh. We are fully ourselves when we’re together. I’ve said this before, but if you think the way I write is irreverent and funny, imagine what she gets every day, especially when she’s the person I know will never judge me for who I am.
She gave meaning to what was once a rather meaningless life, and I only started to get a taste of what the concept of family or kinship felt like after I met my wife. As weird as it sounds, she made me experience the joys of being human, and the thought of her leaving me one day when we’re old makes is enough to make me tear up.
I never imagined myself to be married, but I told myself that if I ever did, and if I were to let my marriage end up like the one I witnessed as a child, all my years of suffering would have gone to waste. It would have been a shame to let two degenerates ruin my life.
Indeed, I’m glad everything I went through didn’t go to waste.
An Open Letter To Everyone
This section will feel odd and might make it seem like I am speaking from a higher position than others. Please do not perceive it that way. It’s just that the demographic of my clients is so wide that I have to wear very different hats when speaking to different clients. These are just heartfelt and unfiltered things I’ve always wanted to say to the different groups of people I’ve crossed paths with.
It’s my year-end post, so please indulge me a little and see this as an annual emotional dumping of what I’ve wanted to say for a while now but never got the chance to.
Message To Clients From The Past
You would belong to this group if you came to me before 2019. I can’t thank everyone enough for laying the foundations of my career. I think it’s evident that I would have never had the courage or foundation to get here without the first batch of clients during my earlier years. My big career breakthroughs came because of you because you spoke to someone about me, and it went to the right ears.
As embarrassing as it is, I admit I was very snappy during my earlier years. I had too many things to juggle, and my health and state of mind weren’t the best. I wish I had been a better practitioner in terms of experience and execution when we first met, and I know fell short in many ways. Please accept my apologies.
Thank you for understanding that this is a job where I need to gather experience to grow and that my level of readings back then would not have been as thorough or astute compared to the kind of readings I can give now.
Regardless, I still hope you got something out of the reading, and I sincerely thank those who took the time to update me on what has transpired because it helps my growth as a practitioner.
A Message To Clients Present & Future
Likewise, I can’t thank everyone enough. Whenever I get a reading request and receive payment, I tell myself that this is someone else’s hard-earned money that was exchanged for their time and experience. Getting a salary from a corporate job is one thing, but taking money directly from people is an entirely different feeling altogether.
I am not the perfect practitioner. I make mistakes, and if I do, please forgive me. It is an emotionally draining job, and I hope to see your understanding. I am doing my best while also trying to cope with the increased volume, and I appreciate everyone’s trust and patience, especially during this busy period. I hope everyone understands why there are T&Cs and why I am so adamant about getting everyone to read my blog. Read it, and you will understand. Sometimes, reading the blog is more important than the consultation itself.
Every client that I cross paths with is a cherished affinity which we Chinese like to call 缘分。 It’s pretty much how I’ve operated since Day One because I’ve always felt that whoever is meant to find me will find me. Some come and go, but some end up being my friends forever. Whatever it is, I’m sure we crossed paths for a reason. I may not see you ever in person, but I’m glad we crossed paths anyway. Please drop me a text once in a while to let me know how you’re doing.
To those I’ve not crossed paths with yet, I wonder who you’ll be and what your story will be, although you better not be an a**hole, or you will end up with a new one.
A Message To Category 4/Toxic Clients
The only person who will be offended by this is the person this section is meant for. I’ve been waiting a whole year to say this.
By Category 4 and toxic, I am saying that you are evil, which takes many forms. Malice, sloth, greed – your existence brings no value other than to act as cosmic fertiliser for another’s growth. I avoid people like you like the plague. Some of you slipped through the filter, or perhaps I had too much faith in you. You suck the joy out of everyone and everything I do, and your existence would best be described as an inflamed haemorrhoid that won’t go away. Calling you a neanderthal would be an insult to Neanderthals. Even animals have the virtues you don’t.
I have nothing against you, and it’s nothing personal, but astrology and Chinese metaphysics are wasted on you. It is the last thing you need because you already know your life sucks, so why do you want to spend money to confirm it while also getting berated by me? Book a BDSM session, or buy a self-help book, and may I remind you to read it instead of using it as a coaster, you imbecilic dips***.
To cheat, lie, use violence on your family, and blame all of your woes on everyone else but yourself – you have an inner world that few can understand. Everything is about you and your personal glory. You are the degenerate that weaponises “mental illness” when you don’t have one and expect people to put up with your excuses and narcissism. When we don’t, suddenly, we are the unsympathetic and morally deprived ones. You undermine those who truly need help. You lament that people don’t understand you when you are the anomaly which, for some reason, the universe says has to exist but thankfully as cosmic fertilizer to help others grow. You blame your tough start to life, which I understand, but there needs to come to a point where the blaming needs to stop. We all have tough periods at some point, but we did not become like you. It’s not that people want to invalidate your feelings and pain or cast you aside, but I hope you realise your thoughts and actions invite calamity. It is but the simple laws of cause and effect.
For some reason, everyone better than you, who has principles and boundaries and is more talented or smarter than you, is, by your definition, arrogant or pompous. Then may I ask, what in the hell does that make you? Your life is in shambles, and everything is going wrong, but your actions and thoughts imply you are too good to contemplate change and personal responsibility. For someone to not be viewed as arrogant, they must be beneath you – but rest assured that no one will ever be beneath you because you are the lowest any human can go.
You are everything I am against. It’s not that I want to invalidate your pain, but if you amplify it and inflict this on others – you might as well not exist. I will not waste my life helping you so that you will go on to inflict more pain on others. You’re offended by this because you know you are like that, but you’re too scared into psychosis and ego-preservation to admit it. Grow a spine. Oh, you have money? Firstly, it’s your parents’ money. A piece of garbage like you would have never got anywhere on your own. Secondly, let’s see whether it can buy you health, love, and people who will be with you on your deathbed.
Lastly, for Heavens’ sake, don’t be so presumptuous as to think I want to be your friend. I have higher standards.
A Message To ‘Practitioners’
I use inverted commas because you feel more like a business person than a practitioner. The amount of time you spend churning out marketing material explains why you can’t even get the basics right. We call ourselves “practitioners”, but how well do you know your chart? And if you know it well, why are you still doing whatever you’re doing?
This might sound pompous and presumptuous, but you know I exist. I mean, I see you all viewing my Instastories. Some of you were even my clients I said should not start a business and have no affinity with astrology, yet you come out declaring yourself a “master” and blatantly lie. Instead of trying to do the right thing like you said you would, you start selling Pi Xiu bracelets and feng shui gimmicks. Why? You even invoke the names of the Chinese sages and Buddhas, slapping their images onto a rock, and sell it as a life-changing item.
I find it a tad hypocritical that everyone claims to make the world a better place before they leave or wish to improve the industry or community, only to end up doing the same old thing. If whatever you’re peddling was so great, why are your ex-client all coming to me saying nothing works? Even if you’re a practitioner who doesn’t sell useless feng shui paraphernalia, please understand that this job you have is not about yourself or for you to look good on TikTok doing reaction videos, posting selfies all the time, and spouting nonsense like Shiba Inu doormats bringing ‘bad luck’.
It’s nothing personal, but I cannot agree with how you do things and why you would even perceive Chinese metaphysics the way you do. What in the hell are you smoking? You chose your path; I chose mine. You have your target audience; I also have mine. We answer to our clients and the Heavens. I am not here to break your rice bowl, and I won’t be able to, so you don’t have to worry.
Besides, if you believe in the items you are selling, there is no need to worry about all because you have an arsenal of auspicious items that are supposed to bring wealth and good luck, right? I am the least of your worries. You should be more concerned with your business overheads and staff salaries. Have fun chasing revenue in the trap you’ve set up for yourself because you can never rest, and you will always live as a lie. Lastly, thank you for making my life easier by removing the people I don’t wish to serve – you can have them.
We can co-exist, just like Yin and Yang. We can seek a balance and not go to war. I will still speak my truth, and you are welcome to continue speaking yours. I don’t mind people accusing me of being a charlatan just because I self-studied everything. Likewise, you don’t need to care too much about what I think about you. Heavens will determine everything, and we believe in fate. Those that are fated to find you will you find, likewise for me.
I want to think that I’m blessed with things money cannot buy – my dignity, self-respect, and an amazing wife. I hope you have the same blessings. As I’ve said, we answer to Heavens. I am proud of my path, and I hope you are too.
A Message To My Clients-Turned-Friends
Words cannot express how grateful and happy that I have you guys. I don’t need to say much because you already know how much your friendship means to me. The laughter, meals, and chats are precious memories to me. You are like a sibling I never had. I will always be there to see you through your setbacks and witness your triumphs.
A Message To Younger Clients
I will always have a soft spot for you because I had no one when I was your age. Seeing you suffer reminds me of the time I suffered. Even though I may not be able to know exactly how you feel or the intensity of it, know that in some ways, I can relate, and I will hold space for you.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to grieve or feel your suffering. Never invalidate yourself. Your pain is your own and one which only you can understand. There is no need to compare whose pain is greater before allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel. Should the pain become too immense, remember to get help and have faith that it is Heaven’s way of preparing you for someone great.
My only wish is you grow up to become good people and don’t grow up to become the people I detest and that you pass on the generational trauma our parents’ generation, unfortunately, passed down to us. If you fear being the Category 4 clients I’m always talking about – you should, because I don’t need to remind you it doesn’t end well for people like them.
You don’t have to deal with your family issues the way I did. I would also never want anyone to go through what I did. If you find yourself in a similar situation as I was, please know how to protect yourself, draw boundaries, and love yourself first. But please be aware of the pitfalls and not overcompensate because healing can be tricky. Remember, “balance in all things”. Everything else will fall into place after.
Karma is simply cause-and-effect. Karma does not mean you take blatant abuse from your family, partner, or even friends. Allowing injustice and abuse to continue is bad karma, and you can choose to stop it. I swear to you on my life, no bad karma will come to you when you protect yourself, even if it’s against your parents – I am a living example of this, so have faith.
Lastly, I hope you will find someone who loves you the way my wife loves me, and I also hope you find good people to surround yourself with, but know that you will need to take the courage first step to work on yourself first. It will be lonely, sometimes even torturous, and as cheesy as it sounds, know that it’s the universe’s way of getting you where you want to be.
A Message To Older Clients (6 Years Older & Above)
You have more life experience, and you are supposed to set an example and help inspire the younger generation. Do you think your age makes you wise? Sorry, my a** crack is wiser.
Get your s*** together. I mean it. Please get your f***ing s*** together, especially if you are a parent, or you can literally go f*** a s***. Yes, that’s all I’m going to say.
My ‘Blursed’ Instagram Page
If anyone is too old to know what “blursed” means, it means both blessed and cursed, as well as comforting and unsettling at the same time. A blursed image is something like this:
May I say I should have done this a long time ago? I’m having way more fun than I expected. Thank you for being such great audiences too! I bet everyone didn’t expect me to have that many stories to tell.
I’m not someone who digs social media or posts a lot. There’s hardly any activity on my personal social media pages. What prompted me to kickstart my campaign on my work Instagram was that one day, I asked myself, “Why the hell are these scams selling themselves like hotcakes, whereas I’m doing nothing?”
I always talk about balance, and I guess I found myself being slightly too conservative and hiding in my shell for far too long. Whether this new desire to be active on social media has to do with my new 10-Year Phase – I don’t know. I just felt like doing it, and I have no regrets.
I wanted to give myself some credit for my work, and I hope everyone, through the stories, knows how much effort I put into it and gets a glimpse of some of the amazing people I’ve met, friendships I’ve made, and the hilarity that ensues sometimes. Of course, I want people to know the doughnuts I meet.
Anyway, my Instagram page is just another mini-outlet and diary to share stories and engage with everyone. I know what everyone’s thinking – that I have a lighter side. My goodness, people, of course, I do. The side you see on Instagram is how I’m with friends and some humorous moments at work. To my ex-clients I’ve chatted with on Instagram, I’m glad everyone’s keeping well. My thoughts and prayers are always with everyone. Thank you to those who have allowed me to share your stories and conversations on my page.
Please remember that despite the lighter side on my Instagram page, please do not take the consultation lightly and treat it like a game. I swear, I will tear you a new one and more.
I don’t have much to say here than thank everyone for saying you enjoy the stories and laughing at some of my twisted sense of humour. This is just trivia: My favourite comedian is Ricky Gervais. You’ll know where I’m getting at if you can appreciate his humour.
As Much As I Can Read My Chart…
The funny thing about being a practitioner is that, as much as I can read my chart, I still do not know what to expect. Everything is still, in a sense, blurred.
I guess you could say I know the “essence” of what might happen, but I won’t know the form. I’m glad what’s written in the charts doesn’t paint such a daunting picture anymore. The past few years have already been amazing, so to tell me that things will get even better does feel somewhat unbelievable, and it also makes me fear that I don’t deserve it.
I don’t know what the future will bring, and in some ways, I don’t want to know. Deep down, I only want a simple, fulfilling life and for my loved ones to be healthy and happy. I have no desire to be famous, and perhaps the only superficial and material desire is a bigger house in the future so I can host my friends and loved ones and maybe a few pets and a garden to plant things.
I guess the most important thing for me now is always to remember the saying 「初心不忘」- how everything started and came to be and why I started doing this. It started because I needed to pay rent and eat better for my health, but it became something more over the years. Thank you, everyone, for being part of this journey. If not for everyone, I wouldn’t have become the practitioner I am today, and I would even have the life I have today.
It’s been an extremely fulfilling and rewarding journey, but it will never be as rewarding as having a chance to deliver this once-in-a-lifetime cosmic burn for doughnuts who can’t follow simple instructions and don’t know what a “city” is:
I may stop being a practitioner one day, and I may not have drip, but I’ll never stop having SASS~!
See you in 2023, everyone! And sod the hell off and go f*** yourselves, toxic people! Remember to stay clear of annual zodiac forecasts because it’s for [insert derogatory term here]!
P.S. I don’t know when I can do another meaningful post as I’ve never been so swamped, but I’ll try to do some case studies since it’s easier to write about. For anyone waiting for me to be ‘un-swamped’ to come on board – feel free to come on board now, as I’m expecting this to be the new norm moving forward.