This note first appeared on my Facebook notes on the last day of 2013. I’m putting it as part of my blog for archiving reasons, as Facebook has removed its Notes feature. Original link can be accessed via desktop here: https://www.facebook.com/notes/10164512558955533/
It’s the time of the year where people declare their new year resolutions, and express their gratitude for how great the past year has been. A time where, if you’re lucky enough, you get to catch a glimpse of a friend’s inner world as they type away on social media to express their gratitude for the things that’ve happen in that year and the milestones they’ve reached in their lives.
It’s amazing how fast 2013 has passed. The year 2013 marks a very stoic and introspective period for me, much due to how 2012 turned out and how tumultuous my life has been so far. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not writing this to whine or complain – I’m not that sort of person. I figured I’d take the opportunity to open up a little as I figured it would be good for my soul and that it would be a good way to start and ground myself in the new year.
A number of my close friends whom have made it safe for me to fully open up to them know that I come from a very troubled childhood. My parents weren’t exactly the best. My mother is an abusive, narcissistic mother with a vicious tongue and a vindictive, violent disposition who did not hesitate laying hands on her children by punishing them with slaps to the face before they were even teenagers, and together with verbal insults, telling her own children that they are worthless and her life would be better if they killed themselves. She’s a classic textbook description of how abusive, narcissistic mothers are like. My father on the other hand was a wife-basher, partly because my mother seemed to thrive on provoking him, but also due to his temperament when he was younger. Although not as vicious in speech, he was also violent and would throw things and get physical at his children when he got angry. He was also not above slapping his children across the face. At a tender age of 7, I witnessed my mother holding a cleaver against my father’s neck during a huge fight. At age 9, I called the police on two different occasions to arrest my own father for bashing my mother that resulted in her getting a Personal Protection Order, so another act of violence would land my father in jail. The environment could not get more toxic.
Throughout my childhood I grew up with scenes of my parents screaming at each other and getting into extremely violent fights, which almost always ends up with them wrestling each other to the ground kicking and punching each other. The scenes were like those in a thriller movie where you see someone try to kill his or her spouse. I was only 4 months old when I came to Singapore from Taiwan, so it didn’t help when I had no relatives here to intervene or mediate. Though I have a sister throughout all this, it didn’t help much as she had to deal with the exact same challenges I had as a child and she had her own life to live. I would be on the receiving end of my sister’s wrath at times too, but I don’t blame her because, in many ways, I know what she had to go through and struggle with.
Growing up was tough – there was no guidance, no security and no warmth. I struggle to recall any happy memories I’ve had with my family, because there was simply none. I grew up in an environment of blatant physical and emotional abuse – my parents often took out their frustrations and resentment on us. The abuse exists even till today. Most people might not agree to sharing what happens within the family to people outside and wish to adhere traditional Chinese beliefs of 家醜不可外揚, but I beg to differ. There are children out there who need help, but yet do not know how to ask for it as they don’t even know how to process what they are going through and they bring this latent fear and trauma into their adolescence and adulthood like I did. There are devastating consequences to not addressing or healing from such pain as I have experienced it for myself.
I’m not here to pass judgment on my parents. Everyone has their demons and debts – their issue and resentment towards each other has nothing to do with me. Although I can’t exactly thank them for a happy childhood, I am grateful for the experiences and difficulties that they put me through, for it has taught me many lessons and it gives me a clear direction of what kind of person, friend, man, husband I want to be. It has also imbued me with resilience, positivity and fortitude over the years. I know they did what they could as parents and that is enough; I’ve had a materially comfortable life and I am thankful for that, although I would have exchanged that for a family and home filled with warmth without hesitation. The inevitable scars will forever imbedded in everyone’s heart and mind, and nobody quite behaves like they are family anymore and we trudged along for almost three decades with a weird notion of what being normal is. I can’t deny that there is still anger and resentment within me, so I keep my distance and focus on my own life. I can’t claim to be the most filial of sons and neither am I trying to be one. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of. Alas, given my situation I don’t even know how to at times – I tell myself the best way I can show filial piety is indirectly; by doing my best to be a good person a parent can be proud of. Besides, there are many out there who have it much worse, so I can’t complain – though I occasionally give myself the permission to grief for what I wish I had but don’t instead of just numbing the pain.
Looking back on the days as I was growing up, it is quite evident that some of the signs of a difficult childhood were there. I had no confidence; I ate too much for my own good; I was constantly depressed; I found it hard to make friends and I was constantly seeking warmth and validation from anywhere else but my family which resulted in ostracization as I had difficulty fitting in – that made growing up all the more tougher. I displayed very typical symptoms of a troubled child that you can find in any textbook on psychology. For a good number of years, 20+ if you wish to put a number on it, it felt like I wandering blindly in the dark while constantly asking myself “Why am I alive? Why bring me here just to suffer?”. It’s a horrible way to grow up and my heart goes out to the young children who are struggling to grow up happily in their less than ideal environments.
I was very fortunate to have met many benefactors throughout the formative years when I was developing as a child. In primary school I had a teacher, Ms Seet Puay Wan, who made a personal appeal to the principal to allow me to go to EM1 stream when I only qualified for EM2 – I had no idea why she did that and she had no clue of my family background. Till today I still remember what she did for me, and that possibly altered the way my life would turn out eventually. I managed to get into SJI with a PSLE score of 245 and was in one of the top 3 classes, but eventually fell to the last class in my third year after streaming exams. Confidence in myself and my future was at an all-time low, but fortunately I had a few teachers (Mr Bernard Low, Ms Tay Tze Hoon, Mr Sirhan etc) who were extremely patient with me and didn’t give up on me as I constantly bugged them with questions and my other nonsense. I made it to Catholic Junior College after and continued my horrible academic streak. Still in a state of confusion and self-doubt, our school principal then, Brother Paul Rogers, personally reached out to me and made sure I was OK – I remember his kindness and compassion till today. And not to forget Ms Yeow, my form tutor, who saw me through one of the most difficult teenage years like big sister. Miraculously, I managed to get into university, and even more miraculously, with the help of my achievements in Weiqi, I got into NUS Business School, a place meant for straight A students mostly from the top junior colleges – I’d never thought I’d make it there, especially when I failed every subject during my Year 2 prelims in junior college. On the topic of Weiqi, I have to thank my Weiqi coach as well for seeing the potential I had as a chess player and giving me all those years of training. Then came national service, which I have nothing much to say about, except that I wish I didn’t have my back injury and stayed on with the Commandos and that I wish I had a stronger, more mature mind back then. All in all, I really had and still have a lot of benefactors in my life helping me and giving me a lift when needed.
I overcame my issue of lack of confidence by the time I entered university. However, another demon plagued me at this stage in my life, one that was on the extreme opposite end of the spectrum. With too much confidence and gusto, it was the phase where I started seeking validation, and even admiration – the validation and admiration I craved deep down in my subconscious to justify my existence and the things I had to go through; the validation I never got from my parents. On top of that, I felt that I was better than others because I had to go through what I did – a foolish thought. I developed the mentality that I would not allow myself to feel weak, sorrow or vulnerable because I was sick of feeling that way and I was pushed away and ostracized in school for being, well, different. This mentality and coping mechanism due to me being unable to accept my true nature had its implications for sure. As my subconscious fought to overcome my issues and numb my unresolved pain, I turned into a unsympathetic, overly rational and ambitious monster who would do anything for money, recognition and status. I abandoned my real self and turned myself into someone I was not, thinking that it would make me more adequate, accepted and loved. I held on to this newly forged image and identity that I thought was better, and whenever I came across people who felt sad or down, I would see them as weaklings, and that they didn’t deserve help or sympathy, because if I could overcome my pain, they ought to too. You will realize that a lot of men out there have this same issue and toxic coping mechanism. I’ve never got so close to losing my humanity, and the irony of it all was that I didn’t overcome anything or any of my flaws at all despite all the effort I thought I put in.
My issues and the void in me was only brought to my attention in 2012 thanks to the events of that year when my life came crashing down. My business partner betrayed me; I lost my life savings and almost went bankrupt; my relationship fell apart and my family was in shambles. The false image and mask that I put on unconsciously was ripped off. For a brief period in 2012, while I was taking pictures with supermodels and hanging out at the coolest clubs, I thought I was on my way to becoming successful, the false validation and admiration I thought I got from people back then was but a transient farce waiting to be dispelled at anytime. That day came of course and everything fell apart, and I’m glad it did – because I could let go of my issues and my past along with the mask I had on for so many years.
Life got a lot better in 2013. Other than working on my own stuff and giving entrepreneurship another shot, I’ve spent a good amount of time reading Chinese classics. I’ve never felt more at peace. Although, there were still a few unpleasant incidents within the family, as I told myself that I will no longer be emotionally leeched on by my father, or emotionally and verbally abused by my mother and conflicts did break out as a result of me trying to defend myself against the abuse. This year marks the first year that I will not have a reunion dinner with the family during Chinese New Year, and I will probably not have a reunion dinner ever again. Regardless, I see it as a necessary phase and change for me to get closure and break free from the clutches of my parents who see me only as an outlet for their own issues and frustrations.
Religion has played a big part in my life. I grew up as a Buddhist, but I never took spiritually or religion seriously till I was in my early 20s. I can’t speak for other religions because I have not studied them thoroughly, but what got me through some of the most confusing and lonely periods of my life was when I finally got what I believe was the point of what some of our religious prophets were preaching. The Buddhist way of explaining it is very simple to understand, at least to me. It has always been the goal of people who take on the more spiritual approach to life to achieve this ‘egoless’ state of mind that I believe gives rise to some of the most beautiful things about humanity – charity, altruism, unconditional love etc. You dedicate your mind, body and heart in to the service of others and it really does free you from all vexations. Understanding and appreciating this notion has brought me through some tough times, but trust me when I say it is easier said than done because I lost count of how many times I’ve strayed in the past 5 to 7 years when I put self-interest and egotism above everything else. What makes it even scarier is that you don’t even realise when you have strayed. On the topic of religion, I don’t really like to put a “Buddhist” label on myself – I don’t think we should be distracted by the material form. I think one apt way of trying to explain this ‘egoless’ state without getting too much religious jargon involved is through Eckhart Toelle’s book “The Power of Now” and his explanation of “being in the present” – though four words isn’t quite enough for one to truly understand what is meant by “being in the present”. Words and language are never quite enough or suitable a medium to describe what goes on inside one’s mind when it comes to spirituality.
Sometimes people ask me why do I speak and see the world as if I’m already in my 50s or 60s. It’s not that I want to act older than my age or act as if I’m older or wiser – I’m not. It’s just that my experiences have made me who I am and I really can’t help but to speak or think the way I do. I wouldn’t dare think that I’ve already learned all that I need to learn in life at 27, because when that happens it marks the start of my next downfall. I have to admit, sometimes seeing the kind of crap that people much older than me get themselves into, I actually feel glad for the things I had to go through. I’m very grateful that I had the chance to learn many life lessons at a relatively young age, and I would never exchange those experiences and bliss of inner peace for anything else.
Few things bother me these days, unless it’s something I did against my conscience. As a result of me appearing rather detached, I know a lot of people feel as if I don’t care about them, what’s happening in their “worldly” lives as they like to put it, or they feel that I just have an attitude problem and that I am better than them (which is often exacerbated by my blunt way of communicating). That’s not true. On the contrary, and to put things very simply, nothing makes me happier than to see people I care about happy and well. Hell… I’m happy even if it’s a stranger. That’s all there is to it. I’ve been denied of a nice, warm and loving family and environment to grow up in – it would be stupid if I denied myself the opportunity to create that kind of environment outside of the confines of the circumstances I was born into. Wouldn’t any human being do or feel the same? Sadly, I still have a very serious problem of getting in my touch with my emotions, being vulnerable or letting others be there for me – it’s a notion extremely foreign to me as I grew up not knowing what warmth was like or what it’s like to be loved – not even my by own parents. I had to deal with everything by myself and didn’t allow myself to show or feel weakness, for the times when I did as a child, it resulted in contempt and isolation. Restoring this part of my humanity will take time and I am still struggling with some of the character flaws I’ve developed as a result of the way I grew up.
It’s weird talking so much about myself, especially when it’s relating to matters that are extremely personal. It makes me feel uncomfortable, especially after a year of reclusion. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s against this ‘egoless’ state that practicing Buddhists try to achieve, or whether it’s because I still cling on to that desire of wanting to appear strong, capable and macho while attempting to embrace the mask I’ve put on and the ego I’ve developed to shield myself from the harshness of reality and the people who have hurt me. I only know doing this – opening up and being authentic ritual – is good for me rather than relying on a toxic coping mechanism. Being real and authentic really does make me happier and less tired from constantly carrying whatever issues or sorrows I still carry on my shoulders. It stops me from becoming an apathetic nihilist with no trace of humanity left in him. It’s an Enneagram Type 3 thing… (I recommend all my friends to try the test – it’s a very unique personality test and it has helped me a lot as a person and I’m sure it’ll help anyone who is willing to give it a try as well.)
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
Anyway, the point of this note, other than catharsis and to seek comfort in knowing my friends know my story, is to give thanks to all my friends and benefactors in my life. There are really just too many to name – to the generous, role model father figures, to the warm, loving mother figures, and to friends old and new who have seen me through my best times and worst. I just want everyone to know I am grateful for having everyone in my life and that everyone will always be in my prayers. And to whatever entity is governing the universe – take it easy on me already. I got Your point and I know my purpose for being here. To those I have crossed, hurt, inconvenienced or offended, I am sorry – it was not, and never will be intentional and I will strive to be better. I will never use my past as an excuse to treat people in any way that I myself would not want to be treated.
To anyone who bothered to read through this self-indulgent post: Thanks for obliging and thanks for taking the time to get to know me better. To my friends who had a tough time, or are currently going through a hard time, you are not alone, and I will always be there to help in any way I can. Same goes for those having a good time, of course. =)
Thank you Heavens for always blessing with me many benefactors, a positive mind and the strength and fortitude to pull through any challenge. I am very grateful. =)
Here’s to a happy and awesome possum 2014~! =D
Sincerely,
Shiaw-Yan
