My, oh my, what a way to step out of my 30s and into my 40s. The world is truly so easily offended. If I said something like, “I look forward to going home every day and letting my bitch lick my fingers”, I’d get cancelled for that when I was just referring to my corgi.
I think everyone knows by now what transpired, and I don't wish too much about it other than to say what a way to end my 30s and step into my 40s. I sit here in utter bemusement, thinking how an innocent sharing of how I met my wife 10 years ago would blow up to this extent.
I am not angry, resentful, or regretful that it happened, and I guess it's mostly because my conscience is clear. It's not like I did something morally wrong, in my opinion. That said, it doesn't mean there aren't any lessons to be learned from this. There always is, and the uncanny thing I really hate to admit is that, in hindsight, this event was definitely written in the charts. I'm not joking - it really is. The canon event actually feels quite liberating because I don't have to cling to the silly, unrealistic notion that everyone will understand me or that my image or reputation will be pristine.
As I witnessed the vitriol unfold online, I could only think of my wife and son. My supportive and loving wife, the person who knows me the best, is there. My son, in all his innocence, doesn’t realise that his father is about to be the most despised person (for 2 weeks maybe) among Gen Zs because of a misconstrued version of how I met my wife. It's funny because I position myself as the practitioner who wants to protect Gen Zs.
I am not angry or bitter. I say this with a bit of shame because I do make sensationalised news and client stories my case studies too, so I have no right to be incensed when the same happens to me. I’m not the perfect human being, but I think the least I can do is own up to my flaws, which I wish someone had pointed out earlier for me. Perhaps this blog has strayed a bit, but now it's time to steer it back onto the right course.
Perhaps one thing that left me a little indignant is that the latest media feature was one that I felt was really meaningful. I spoke about how zodiac forecasts are nonsensical, some myths and misconceptions of Feng Shui, and even 「了凡四训」。 But alas, people zoomed in on those 5 seconds of me playfully sharing the actual, factual story of how I met my wife and a joke we both look back on and laugh at.
But again, I have no one to blame but my own naivete, and perhaps a bit on Mercury Retrograde in Pisces of all places. But it’s fine! As I said, everything happens for a reason, and we are fated to meet and encounter whatever and whoever we are meant to meet. If people didn’t manage to get to know what 「了凡四训」 is, or the simple notion that annual zodiac forecasts are absolute nonsense, I guess that’s their fate.
Before I start my reflective rambles, I just want to let everyone know that my wife and I are well. I am completely unfazed, and we are not affected by the event and, in fact, amused by how things unfolded. We have the healthiest and most secure marriage, which is why we agreed to share our story that way. I have the most amazing wife, and she will always be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I don’t want this really special post to be about the event, even though I give it great significance. Reaching 40 is a big milestone, but I’d still like to think the event was a reminder of what’s important as I grow older, and hopefully, mature like good wine. There is no better way to step into my 40s than being a little humbled.
Whatever it is. I do not want to lose that sass and irreverence - because life is truly absurd. We are born into this life; we struggle; we make mistakes; we figure out how to be happy, and when we do, we realise how little time we have left. What a ridiculous way to live. I wonder if my son will go through the same, but at least I am here to guide him.
I Am Always Stepping Into The Unknown Even As An Astrologer
I think one thing people tend to misunderstand is that they think someone like me has it all figured out because I am an astrologer – I am supposed to be able to tell the future and know exactly what happens.
If I could, trust me, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble and probably struck the lottery by now. I think astrologers have a bit more situational awareness as events unfold, but we are still bound by our habits and our karma.
Astrology can’t exactly predict exact events; it can only predict things thematically because how the Heavens wants 「在天成象 在地成形」 to unfold is not for anyone but the Heavens and the universe to decide.
My knowledge of astrology helps me understand why events happen, and allows me to quickly accept them and absorb the lessons.
It's funny, because as much as I am practising astrology every day, I do not apply it to myself much. It's mainly for others. Perhaps I should be using it way more on myself moving forward because Saturn's transit, truly, has been rather intense, especially when it is also my chart-ruler, which forces me to be involved each time Saturn makes an ingress or an aspect.
As I said, my life isn't meant to be easy. But I do enjoy a good fight.
What Do I Really Want Right Now?
If you’d ask me what I really want right now, the shallow answer would be "I want to rest". If I struck the lottery and never had to work again, I'd probably disappear right away till I get bored and need to find meaning again. Really. I'm tired, and I know everyone probably is too, with their own battles. Let me strike it rich or make a lot of money so that I can give my family a better, more comfortable life. It’s not that they aren’t comfortable already, but there’s always a feeling that I can do more, especially when life does become more demanding as I grow older.
That said, of course, anyone who knows me by now should know that I will not allow myself to make money unethically. There is a reason why I’m suddenly putting a lot more emphasis on my online school and other little side projects. I do wish to free up my time to spend time with family, do more meaningful things, and write.
If you want me to be honest, I am getting tired. It has been more than 10 years of taking on other people’s stories, issues, and trauma. It’s not that I don’t find any meaning in it, nor is it that I don’t enjoy it, but I think I am in a different season of priorities. I am also getting old, and I have a son now. There is only so much I can do. All these said, I really do enjoy the stories.
I hope people understand that I really want to do a good job at this, especially in such a dirty, cesspool of an unregulated industry that is about milking and exploiting people who are clueless about how Chinese metaphysics works. It is easy when you don't care, or when you're in this field of work only because you can't do anything else. Perhaps I care a little too much, and I am tired.
All these said, I will still be doing what I’ve always been doing, but not in a way that makes me lose the big picture or burn out. I will never allow that to happen.
Dropping My Ego of My 30s
I’m going to drop my ego and pride and just say that I owe a lot of people an apology. I know how rude or curt I can be, and I always say it’s part of the branding. I’m not going to lie, it really IS part of the fucking branding, and it became this way because of several reasons that stem from the earliest days of my being a practitioner.
There is a reason why everyone says I’m nicer in person but terrifying online. I enjoyed living in this Yin-Yang dichotomy. Want to get to know me? Come find out. If not, please do not intrude on my day at the wrong time. That was me for the longest time.
I hope people understand how utterly exhausting it is to deal with what everyone knows by now is a Cat. 4. The branding, persona, style, and tonality are but a way of dealing with them that I’ve built over the years. I’ve become so terrifying and even repulsive that even the non-Cat. 4s fear approaching me. The irony of it all is that Cat. 4s, or severely dysfunctional people, stand to benefit from astrology and the philosophy of it the most, but unfortunately, they do not exactly have a great attention span, and besides, transcending a chart is not as simple as reading a blog post.
The persona filter worked very well. Am I proud of it? Not exactly. Did I have fun? I’m not going to be coy and say I didn’t. There is a twisted satisfaction in knowing you are feared. Should I be aiming to be loved then? I really don't know because I grew up not being loved, and it's not like I need people I don't know to love me, though thankfully, I have it from those who matter to me. Do I wish to be hated then? No, of course, unless absolutely required to achieve a greater good.
Perhaps I just want to be a bit of everything - but without having to try so hard.
There are some things I am proud of, and some things I am not proud of. Having this fearful persona is nothing to be proud of. I merely saw it as a necessity.
What I am proud of is that I am not someone who takes part in virtue signalling. I do not do good deeds for the sake of broadcasting them online. When I do things, I don’t even want to see them as good deeds - because good deeds and virtue are not a performance. That is what I learned as a Buddhist. Neither do I want to be the sort who takes selfies all the time with motivational quotes, and then live a different kind of life behind the scenes - that is so not me and so hypocritical. I've always wondered what makes people think, "I have it figured out. Read these amazing quotes of mine," when most of them, in my opinion, are just running away from the real problems.
The funny thing about me, and I hate to say this, but I do make my bad deeds very open, though. Now, I'm looking back and wondering what it was all for?
Giving Thanks To My 30s
I don’t want to write excessively about my 30s. If you haven’t realised, this entire blog and what you see here is basically my 30s. 200+ posts, some epic, most aren't. The next 200 posts will likely chronicle my 40s.
I severed ties with my family in my late 20s and stepped into my 30s as a new person. I rebuilt my entire life, I met my wife, and I am now a father.
What a wondrous 30s. I’ve built all this. I've done a lot.
The reality and irony of it all, which any Buddhist should accept, is that I went through hell and worked so hard to have what I have today, only to see them slip away at some point - because nothing is permanent.
Do I regret it, or should I have not taken the path I did? Nah. No regrets at all. Life and having a consciousness is beautiful. I do not regret having these memories.
What Will My 40s Be Like, I Wonder?
I’ve been asking myself this question for quite some time now, and rather intensely in the past few days.
I want to reiterate a few things with absolutely no ego, and I swear on my own life that I do not do the things I do to be someone else’s inspiration or role model. I think an aim like that is not just shallow and superficial, but also very narcissistic. I do feel awkward on the rare occasions when I receive such a high compliment, and I thank those who have given it.
I did not go through the things I did so I could wave them around like a trophy, which is why I always find it uncomfortable talking about my past because I am not here to 卖惨 (sadfishing). I have spoken about it a few times, and that is enough. If anyone is genuinely interested in knowing me, reading those posts is more than enough. I need to move on, continue growing, and experiencing life, and tying everything back to my past isn’t going to do that. It’s not that my past is irrelevant, but it no longer matters as much as it should.
All these said, it is easier said than done, and I am perfectly aware that a large part of it is still held back by my past. The surest and most salient way this shows up is in my temper and abhorrence of Cat. 4s.
There are other reasons for my temper, of course. It is none other than because of my Saturn-square-Jupiter, which a lot of my peers have, along with some other squares in my chart that I won’t mention.
I am a Pisces after all, and Pisces represents our need to believe in an ideal. What happens when our ideals are trashed, unmet, mocked, or defiled? Some Pisceans will cry, some Pisceans will delude themselves, some Pisces will rage.
The tension that is within me is the idealist feeling disappointed by the realist in me. I never understood why some people, or society, has to be this way. That tension does drive action, which is why you see me do or say the things I do, but it is also utterly exhausting.
Does that mean I give up what I do or what I believe in, despite the idealist side of me being disappointed? I hope not, although I have to say I am rather tired as I've repeatedly mentioned.
I thought Saturn fucking off from Pisces would finally give me a breather, but Saturn, being Saturn, immediately threw me a lesson in the form of a boot camp.
I wonder what Saturn’s lesson is to me. Of course, I know what it is. Saturn is in my 3rd House now, which, funnily and mockingly, is about communication. It also activates my 10th and 11th Houses, which are among my most active. The 10th and 11th are about my career and impact on my community.
What I am trying to say, in summary, is this.
Deep down, I know my work isn’t done and that the story still has a few more chapters, and I guess stepping into my 40s is recognising that, perhaps, my influence and impact require me to change the way I communicate. I didn’t mean to harm, but it can still harm. I need to care more about how my ‘hits’ land. I have always just simply wanted to "be myself", but I think I forgot one of the biggest Buddhist lessons that everything and everyone is, indeed, interconnected. In some ways, I know I wish for my inner voice to always be heard because of how I grew up, but I guess some discipline and maturity will allow this voice to be heard by even bigger audiences, far away from where I was born and grew up in.
Perhaps thats the way I can pay homage to my past.
It is against my nature because disappoint and rage still and will always reside within me, but it is worth working on. Perhaps to make a series of punches feel like a massage. It's annoying because I also don't want every post to sound so philosophical and sappy all the time. I do enjoy injecting a bit of fun and irreverence once in a while.
A Home, A Community, A Sense Of Belonging
There is nothing more important to me right now than family. Of course, my immediate family, which I lovingly formed with my wife, will always be the most important family to me, but I will always see my friends, my followers, and even my clients as family too. I sometimes forget that it's my clients who largely gave me what I have now.
My aim was never fame. I don’t need it or want it, and it doesn’t pay the bills. This sounds shallow - but for the sake of fuck, just give me money. But then again, what good is money if I do not have a family, friends, or community to spend it with? My biggest fear right now is that my wife and son do not feel loved, or that they stop loving me for whatever reason. I also fear that the world will not love my wife and son for the amazing human beings they are because I am in the way.
Because I now have a son, the focus on family and roots will be even more important. I do not want the way I am to affect them, so things have to change. I can be better.
Perhaps the part that I find uncomfortable to accept, and that the imposter syndrome that I did not acknowledge, is that I do have more influence than I thought over people, the environment, and situations. Perhaps I made myself live smaller than I should have, and in that, did not hold myself to higher standards.
It is always easier to tell someone to fuck off than to get them to sit down and have a chat.
But I guess if I were to use an analogy and see myself as a doctor, my job is to save the person, regardless of who this person is.
I don’t know. I’m still confused.
Am I over-estimating my abilities and influence? Am I delusional and presumptuous? Or am I being pushed in a direction that I should have taken long ago?
I really, really don’t know. Perhaps time will tell. Perhaps my 40s will give me that answer, which includes not having a persona after all because Pluto is in my 1st House right now, tearing apart whatever isn’t real.
The Sean Of The 30s Is Dead
I am thinking back to the moment I turned 30. I scrolled all the way back on my Facebook, and I completely forgot I wrote this note: https://www.facebook.com/notes/10164512581030533/
What an amazing 10 years. I have never been this happy and fulfilled.
I await experiencing my 40s with bated breath. I wonder what it’ll bring. Time for a restart. Perhaps with a lot more grace, and a tinge of more sass.
From today onwards, the Sean of the 30s is officially dead.
- Sean
