Closure & My Letter To The Three Of You

To my Father, Mother, and Sister,

Whether any of you see or read this email, I do not know, nor do I care. I am doing this for myself.

If you are not ready to view it and would like to delete it immediately upon receiving it, it will be available on my website if you ever wish to see it. It might eventually even be in a book, and my descendants will read it and know where they came from.

Writing this email is painful, but I have learned that expressing and respecting my thoughts, emotions, and voice has brought me peace and joy. This is not about shaming the family, but stories like ours need to be known so that others and future generations will never repeat the mistakes we made. You all need not worry; no one knows who you are, and you’ll never need to mention me again.

Whatever I write here holds no ego or malice, and I am also not here to gloat about what I’ve achieved and what I have today. Besides, I’m sure you three can see for yourself who I’ve become in the last ten years. That said, if there’s a tiny part within the three of you that still sees me as a son and brother, I hope you will be proud, but I also hope you all know that what drove me wasn’t to prove you all wrong – I did it for myself. I have overcome what most people could not. This letter is not about seeking validation, which you, sister, often bring up. This is also not about painting myself as the victim, because I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything, but instead, gained everything.

This will be the last time I address you three as father, mother, and sister. Once this email has been sent, regardless of whether you see it or not, please regard that I never existed, or that I am dead. Besides, it feels as though the three of you wished I didn’t exist anyway.

This letter has been a long time coming. There is no better time to write this to you, because look at me now. I bet none of you thought I would have got to where I am. Even I didn’t expect it. The timing is uncanny for astrological reasons that I won’t explain, except to say that the ten years I took to heal, piece myself back together, and let love and purpose into my life have been the most beautiful and meaningful years of my life. I hope there will be more such years to come. I do not believe in coincidences. The events leading up to this letter are fateful, and I know I am meant to go through them.

First and foremost, I hope everyone has been well for the last ten years. I would like to share that I have been well. I found my calling, I am happily married, and I am now a father. I have everything that I could ever dream of, despite growing up thinking that I deserved none of it. I grew up isolated and alone, but now I am surrounded by friends and family who love me, as well as clients and followers who respect me. I’ve also developed a personality, so it seems, one which I highly doubt any of you would appreciate.

I have some things I’d like to say to the three of you, and I’d also like to revisit some of the core memories I have with each of you – some heartwarming and some anguishing.

Father:

I want to start off by first thanking you for taking care of me financially. I’ve had a materially comfortable life thanks to you, and despite all the negative things I say about you to others at times, I will always say that you are responsible and that you’ve done your part. I know you will say that you’ve done your best, and I accept that, but part of me also wishes it could have been better. I would have given up the financial comfort for emotional warmth and a normal family any day, in a heartbeat. But it’s fine – we’re not perfect, and I learned that we all have our demons and limitations to deal with.

My first core memory of you, unfortunately, was that mother held a knife against your neck as she pinned you against the piano when we were staying at Lakeview. You might have thought I was too young to remember – but I do. As the years passed, I saw you as the wife basher, and you were the bad person in the family, but boy, was I wrong about who the real villain was. The fights were so violent that you and your wife would be literally on the ground – she would be kicking and clawing you, while you strangled her. Mind you, I still remember that look on your face as you did it.

I grew up seeing how you were constantly belittled, insulted, and mocked by your wife – you responded with violence, which is wrong, but I understand why you did. I grew up not knowing how or why I should respect you. I remember a few other incidents:

• We were out with sister when Lakeview still had its shophouses, and there was a side entrance. I can’t remember exactly what happened, but you didn’t wish to go home, but it’s clear you were avoiding your wife. I wanted to go home, ran across the road, but you pinned me down, no matter how loud I was screaming.
• I remember I was not even a teen, and there was some fight or I was being disciplined. I remember I spat on the floor out of frustration, you lifted my entire body and dragged me on the floor to wipe off the saliva. You then pinned me down again with my back against you, and I headbutt you so hard and so much that your eye swelled up immediately, and you almost lost an eye. I remembered I hugged you immediately after seeing that, crying and heartbroken.
• I remember you had a big fight with your wife. She brought sister and I out, and we returned to see you eating instant noodles at the table with your face full of scratches and open wounds, and we wept when we saw it.
• I also remember another instance where you fought with your wife, and came over to shake me violently to vent, wailing, and my nose bled from it, and I ended up in the hospital.
• I called the police on you many times, one of which included the officers trying to cuff you because you taunted them. Funnily, you didn’t actually stop me from calling them. Perhaps you knew that was the only way for the fights to stop.
• You threw a remote control at me because I was hogging the TV, playing video games. I hope you understand I had no friends, and video games were my escape.

You were not above physical violence, and a PPO was filed against you eventually. I also grew up to become bigger and stronger. Some time passed, and the physical violence stopped, thankfully. You mellowed down and continued to provide for us financially. Perhaps it was your way of making up for things. Again, I thank you for taking care of me financially.

Good memories were few, but as I write this letter to you, a few do come to mind, locked away for a very long time:

• One of the few memories I still have is when you let us ride on your calves with a pillow, pretending we were “Superman”. I do that with my son now.
• We used to play Chinese chess together on a board you made. It was painted white, and you drew the lines yourself. The pieces were kept in a rusty M&M’s tin. I went on to become a national-level chess player for another kind of chess, and I remember you bringing me for the lessons.
• I remember you took me to the arcade at Toa Payoh during exam periods, allowing me to watch people play video games, as that was my escape. You just stood there and waited.
• I do remember the times you hugged me to sleep because I was afraid to sleep alone, traumatised by the Alien movies and their chestbursters – a movie I still hate for traumatising me.
• I recall that I was in Primary 3 or 4, and I enthusiastically asked you about IT stuff and computer viruses on a bus ride, Bus 410, when we were on our way to Bishan.
• I remember the very moment when I first developed self-consciousness. We were walking towards Thomson Plaza, and I asked you, “Why is there ‘me'”? What was that little voice in my head? Funnily, this email to everyone was also triggered by an event at Thomson Plaza.

These were the few moments I remember from our old home, Lakeview, a hellhole, which still stands there to remind me of where I came from. I often wonder who stays there now, and if they know what happened in that house. There were even times I snuck up to our old home to take a look and reminisce about how far I’ve come.

Fate took a strange turn ten years ago when I hit rock bottom in my life, having mixed with the wrong company where they manipulated me by giving me the validation I sought, and I wanted to make something of myself. I thought I was on my way to becoming successful, but what followed was the worst period of my life. I burdened the family as a result, and I am sorry.

I remember blowing up at you in 2014, and we got into our very first brawl, and we were literally on the floor, punching each other. I threatened to kill you in your sleep, and part of me meant it back then. You probably realised how damaged I was at that point, no thanks to you and your wife. You finally moved out and got your divorce, and it was just me and the demon you married left at home.

I want you to know why that fight happened. I remember it was mid-autumn, but let’s not blame it on the full moon here. I went to get some water from the kitchen, and as I was walking back into my room, you nonchalantly said, “你怎么整天都不动的?” in your usual unconstructive tone – and then I lost it, and the fight happened. It was not what I needed at that point, especially when it was a period I was starting to realise how damaged I was, and what my family had done to me. Twenty-eight years of repressed anger and resentment surfaced in a matter of weeks. I was struggling to get back on my feet, doing everything I could, and your comment came across as mockery during one of the hardest battles of my life.

Just FYI, I recently threw away the wooden sword I almost killed you with. Here’s a picture for memories’ sake:

​I blamed you for the suffering I went through, and I saw you as a spineless, weak man. To me, you still are, because you cannot even muster up the courage to apologise to me properly and acknowledge your failures as my father and protector. It took you 28 years and a death threat from your son to do the right thing.

You could have prevented a lot of suffering, but you didn’t, because you dared not make the tough decisions, clinging to the weird notion of what you felt was a ‘complete family’. Well, look at the family you’ve built. Are you proud of what you’ve achieved and your legacy? I want to tell you that I wish you had got that divorce as early as you could, but instead, you let your wife abuse me, and you did nothing. There were many times I felt my life would have been better if you had bashed her to death, and you went to prison.

All this said, deep down, I know you’re a good person, but perhaps not very wise, and I feel sorry for you that your wife brought out the absolute worst in you.

When we briefly reconnected again a few years back while I was holidaying in Jeju, and you shared that you almost died from a flu infection and had to be medically evacuated, I did cry for you. I hope you take some comfort in that. I know everything went back to square one the next day, and I said some very nasty things to you. I apologise. I got angry because I didn’t want to hear “just move on” from any of you when no one has even acknowledged the suffering I went through. None of you had the right to tell me to “just move on”.

I changed my name, by the way, and even my surname. The irony of my old name 詹孝严 was that it was supposed to mean being filial to the father, but 孝 also mean mourning the death of someone. My new name still sounds the same, and the meaning it holds is that everyone will look up to me as an example.

I hope you live out the rest of your life happy and healthy, with your new, hopefully better, wife. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course, your new wife is better.

Mother:

My oh my, where do I even begin? This segment is for you, and it’s the only one I didn’t shed a tear while writing. It’s unfortunate that you won’t be able to understand any of this due to language barriers, and I highly doubt this letter will reach you because I know your daughter will want to protect you. But here it is anyway.

Before I begin, I just want to say thank you for taking care of me, cooking for me, and taking care of me when I was sick. There were moments I’m glad I had you, but mostly, I wish I didn’t have you.

We grew up close. I held your hand all the time when we went out. I thought our bond was special because of the circumstances of our family. I wanted to protect you from father. I even remember the times when I cried because I was worried that you would no longer be around. But I eventually realised it was an unhealthy trauma bond. Our relationship started to go on a twisted, toxic spiral for reasons I do not understand. I was merely entering new phases in life, hoping someone would guide me.

For whatever reason you turned out the way you did, I do not know, and I will not seek to understand it because I am unable to fathom how someone could turn out the way you did. If you became the way you are because of a tough childhood, I understand, and it’s fine, because you’ve shown me firsthand how much damage it can do to someone. Thankfully, you now serve as a reminder to everyone, not just me, that the dignified thing to do is to work on our issues, rise above them, and not inflict suffering on others. Having a child doesn’t mean you are a mother – it is a title and honour that is earned through love and grace.

You are the most vile, vicious, and vindictive creature I know, and the textbook example of a narcissistic parent. Growing up, you slapped me every time you got angry until my ears rang. You never failed to remind me that I was useless, like your husband, fat, ugly, and stupid in the most venomous tone and expression possible. You also never failed to tell me to go kill myself or jump off a building. You even said you should have killed me as a baby. All these, while still having the audacity to preach Buddhist teachings. Every tirade lasted hours, or even days. I don’t recall doing anything to deserve that. I could write a thesis-length essay about the bad memories I have with you and the times you were abusive. Lucky for you and your face, no one will ever know what happened, and no one will ever hear your voice. You got away with it.

The pain and suffering you have inflicted on me has overwritten all positive memories I’ve had with you because everything that felt positive was but an illusion. I remember you got into conflict with everyone around you, regardless of whether it was with your husband, me, your TCM College peers, neighbours, and even a charity organisation for goodness’ sake – because of your insecurities, because of your narcissism. You do not have any friends for a reason.

Till today, I am still unable to understand why you would do and say all those things to your own son. It’s like you took pleasure in inflicting pain on me. Was it because I reminded you of your husband, whom you hated so much? May I ask, do you still hate me after all these years?

My ‘favourite’ memory of you would always be that time before I left to climb Mt. Rinjani in 2012. We had an argument a few days before, and as I set off for the airport that day, you said, “你要是出事你最好死在山上。不要半身不遂回来拖累我。” It is my ‘favourite’ memory because that was the last time I allowed you to say something like that to me again, and as I learned to protect myself, you became even more ruthless and malevolent.

“If anything happened to you on the mountain, just die up there, and don’t come back paralysed to burden me.”

Not only did you wish I had got into an accident, but you also hope I would die up there. Wow. I grew up with such words even before I was a teen. A year or two later, when our relationship was at its most toxic, I asked you if you remembered what you said to me, and you gaslit me and said you don’t remember. That said, I know you said you “don’t remember” because you DO remember, because if not, you would have said “I didn’t say it instead”. I wanted to poison you at one point, but I’m glad I did not throw my life away because of you.

You chased me out of the house and forced me to be homeless in 2014, claiming it was for my own good, but I know you just wanted to humiliate me. Let’s not pretend you are capable of benevolence. But thank Heavens that fateful day happened. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, leaving that hell-hole once and for all.

I wish I documented all the moments you abused me, not because I want to shame you, but because I am a human being with the right to be heard and my pain to be seen by others who love me. You didn’t even have the human decency to give me permission to heal or feel whatever I wanted to. The whole world needed to revolve around you and your narrative. You are forever the victim, and your face (面子) is always the most important thing. For the first time in my life, I did something for myself, and I poured out my feelings in writing in 2014 about my past. I believe your daughter stumbled upon it two years later, and on Christmas of 2016, you sent me hate mail, wished death upon me and my then-girlfriend, who is now my wife, and said I disgraced the family and was shaming my parents. I really, really do not understand you or know what you want from me, even to this day.

I hope you understand that what the family needed the most was indeed – shame. You, of all people, need shame.

I must have done something terrible for you in my past life to have gone through all this. Or perhaps, I didn’t. Perhaps I deliberately chose this life and reincarnation so that I can reach my full potential, and this is the narrative I choose to embrace. Whatever it is, I hope you feel like you’ve got your revenge and justice.

My letter to you today is not to shame you or bring up past grudges. I would like to thank you for providing me with the most precious and challenging environment in which to grow into the person I am today.

Thanks to you, my story brings peace and clarity to others.

Thanks to you, evil fears me.

Thanks to you, I have a job I absolutely love, one that allows me to have full control over my time to spend it with whomever I want, be anywhere in the world, and one that enables me to meet the most amazing human beings.

Thanks to you, I know what I want in a marriage and a wife. I take comfort in the fact that my marriage is not like yours.

Thanks to you, I know what kind of parent I want to be, and I would rather die than be like you.

I would not have everything that I have today if not for you, and I know you would love to take credit for it, being the narcissist that you are. You can go ahead and take that credit.

For the lifetime of death you wished upon me, here is my response to you in the words of King Leonidas to Ephialtes. May you live forever.

I will no longer resent you, as it is not worth it. I forgive you, for you are my biggest benefactor.

Sister:

This segment to you is perhaps the most difficult to write because you are the ONLY person in the world who went through the things I did, but you never loved me the way I wanted to be loved as a brother, and that’s OK.

Let’s start with some memories: I remember us being close when we were young, but we drifted apart, and I began to see bitterness growing within you. I also remember the time you wrote a letter to our maternal grandmother and described the family situation and the violence that took place at home, but you got a severe dressing down from your mother. I also remember you were dragged across the floor by your hair by mother. That sight is singed into my memory to this day. You took the same insults, abuse, and violence. We grew up in an environment where we learned that emotion was a weakness, and being emotionless was an armour.

As the years passed and we entered new phases, we grew increasingly apart. I never got to know you, and you never got to know me. You were always in your own room, whereas I shared one with father and eventually had to sleep on the balcony floor as I grew older. Even though we were in the same house, it always felt like we were in separate worlds.

I don’t recall ever having a meal with you where it was just the two of us, and the few times we tried, they ended in bitterness. I wanted to keep in touch with you back then because I saw you as the only family I had left, but each time we met, it only built animosity and resentment. I recall two incidents to this day – one at CHIJMES and the other at a steamboat restaurant on 111 Somerset. Both times, I stormed off before the food even came, because you could not help but put me down.

I remember the moment at 111 Somerset. I was excited to meet you and was happy you finally made time for me. I restarted my corporate career again, and I shared with you that I’m dabbling with Chinese astrology as a side gig and that it’s gaining traction. Without hesitation, before we even ordered our food, you immediately went, “Why are you telling me this and seeking validation from me?”

Because you are my sister, and you were the only person I had left at that point. I had no one.

My heart sank as I stormed off with tears streaming down my face because I didn’t need that kind of treatment in my life again. I opened up just to be put down again. I remember texting you, saying, “If you want to talk to me like that, then please don’t talk to me ever again”. I believe it was my first time calling you a cunt – because you truly can be one sometimes. No offence.

I wanted you to apologise to me because I am hurt. And perhaps, deep down, I wanted your validation one last time, to let you see what I’ve become and how skilled I am at what I do – especially when I know it could help you. But yes, I know you are not interested in anything spiritual or ‘fluffy’ like astrology.

You like to throw the word “validation” around and say that I seek it from you. You are my elder sister, shouldn’t I? But it’s fine, because I eventually grew up to realise I don’t need validation from anybody. Thankfully, I find myself surrounded by people who would happily give it to me without me even asking.

I never had any of my anger and resentment towards our parents projected onto you. I just wanted you to listen and for someone to recognise my pain in a world where no one could. I remember you as my cool sister who got me out of trouble and stood up for me. Even though we had our conflicts, I didn’t blame you because I know you didn’t have the best childhood. I remember we were in Taipei, and you started crying after your mother praised me in front of the relatives. I never understood why you did. And then it dawned upon me – perhaps it was you who needed the validation, especially as the older child, which is why it seemed like your favourite word to use on me. Growing up, the thought of outdoing you or outshining you never once crossed my mind because I didn’t care about that at all. I just wanted to spend time with you, my cool sister, and be seen.

You left home after getting married, but I stayed on and suffered, and you never once reached out to ask how I was. I know you suffered too, and neither of us was equipped to deal with the baggage that came with it. I am sorry that I didn’t know how to be there for you because I was the younger, immature one.

When I bumped into your husband and daughter that fateful day, I was genuinely happy for reasons I could not explain. Perhaps it was because I am also now a father. Forgive me for the words I used because that’s how I am now and what I’ve become – irreverent, and making a point to laugh off uncomfortable feelings. It was my way of saying “hi, long time no see”.

I thought your parents’ death would give me closure, which is probably why I texted them to ask them if they were dead already. Silly, I know, and I’d admit there was some malice involved. But like I said, I didn’t expect to bump into your husband and daughter, and I had an epiphany that their deaths are not the right way for closure, and I will not wait for their deaths to give me closure.

For whatever reason you stayed close to our parents, especially mother, I do not know, but I’ve come to accept it. At times, I even felt you took pleasure in ganging up against me, but I shall not think that of you anymore. Perhaps it was because you became a mother, and I slowly find myself able to accept that you stayed close to the people who hurt me the most. I admire you for your sense of duty and responsibility, and it is something that I will learn from you. Alas, I am not that great or magnanimous to the point where I can do what you’re doing, especially when I didn’t feel like my voice and feelings were heard or understood. I never got a “sorry” from you, and I don’t need to – it’s OK.

Your text to me that day hit me harder than I expected. I thought I wouldn’t be affected, but I was. You won, again, because I am hurt. But I am happy to let you win – because you are my sister, and I will not invalidate how you feel. I was fortunate to have found other big-sister figures, and many people even call me their 大哥 (big brother) now. I can’t help but feel that you missed out.

We grew up to be very, very different individuals, and I always wondered how you dealt with your pain and suffering.

Before I end, I just want to share, for the final time, with my sister, that parenthood is profoundly life-changing and healing. Through loving my son and wife, I have finally come to understand what kind of love I was supposed to have, but had not received. I regret that we never had the chance to be close, and I never got to see the vulnerable side of you for reasons I can perfectly understand. I am a talented astrologer, and I know you’re born to be tough – very tough – although I wish you didn’t need to be so harsh on me. You showed me that, sometimes, yes, emotions need to be put aside, but I eventually learned that there needs to be balance in everything.

I wish you all the best in your career and future endeavours, and I hope you’ll take care of your health, slow down when necessary, and perhaps also learn to be vulnerable and truly connect with others. There is no need to be such a badass all the time.

To my ex-family:

It pains me to have to write such a letter to my own family. You all like to say that you all did your best despite everything, and I accept that. I finally, truly can. Because I have finally come to understand that life and taking care of a family aren’t easy, and they demand the best of us. If I wanted to be an ass, I’d say that your best is a joke in the grand scheme of things. But it’s fine – it doesn’t matter anymore.

I wish the three of you had asked me, “How are you?” or “How’re you feeling?” and really meant it. I was left to figure things out completely on my own, and when I made a mistake, I was labelled a failure and 败家子。 I grew up being the one “who never contributed” anything – because I didn’t know how to, and because I would have been mocked anyway, so I didn’t bother. No one was at any of my graduations or milestones. I grew up utterly alone and lonely, ostracised by others because I had issues. You three had no idea the kind of will and resilience I summoned up to get to where I am today.

I wish you all had taken the time to get to know me as your son and brother and seen what I could have become, but the irony of life is that the strongest metal is forged by hellfire. I was asked to “move on” and “get over it”. So much pain and suffering was inflicted on me by the three of you, and all I got from you three was “move on”, and if I couldn’t, I was the bad person.

I want the three of you to know that if I died anytime in 2012 or 2013, I would have been fine with it. I didn’t know why I was alive, and I had no purpose. I wanted to kill myself, but I didn’t dare to do it. In my rented room in 2014, the first place I called home, I told myself I would start all over again. Alone. Bit by bit. It has been ten years, and they have been the most amazing years because I found my purpose and meaning in my suffering.

I am sorry for the times I wasn’t good enough and that my mistakes burdened the family. I think the three of you should know, by now, especially with this letter, that it was something that I never wanted – burdening you all and making you three wish I didn’t exist or that I was inadequate.

I hope you three understand that I, too, did my best, and I am still doing my best to honour my past and my story, which I am so proud of. I am not ashamed of my past, and I did not let hate and resentment consume me. Death will come for all of us eventually, and in our final moments, when our ego completely drops, I don’t want to regret the things I didn’t do or didn’t say. But till then, our astrological charts and karma will continue to unravel, and I await with bated breath to witness how all this will end.

I’m glad the three of you are still in touch, and I hope you all will create happy memories together, which I know you all already have.

With this, I am done. I am truly and utterly done. The juxtaposition of my past and present in the last few weeks has made me realise there is no need to cling to this hate and resentment anymore, and my story will have the best of endings. My family, friends, and clients deserve the best of me. I don’t blame any of you for what I went through. I am, instead, grateful. Life has its mysterious way of playing out, and I wouldn’t be where I am today if not for my past. I have my own family and future to build.

There is also no need for reconciliation in the literal sense. This is not an invitation for anyone to return into my life. I don’t think any of you would want to because I know what my presence reminds everyone of. Neither is this a request to be back in any of yours.

This letter is my reconciliation to the three of you – and that will be it.

Please just assume that I am dead, and do not contact me ever again under any circumstances, not because I hate the three of you, but because I really do not wish to revisit these memories and pain ever again.

I am truly, truly done, and I forgive the three of you. Take care.

– Your son and brother